


my heart and other black holes

by Kookie_329



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Coming of Age, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Consensual Kissing, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2020-04-09 06:33:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19054255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kookie_329/pseuds/Kookie_329
Summary: His voice is silvery, eyes focused only on Yugyeom's as he says, "You remind me of – of the moon. Of the glowing moon."The way BamBam had said it, how he told Yugyeom that, had made it sound mystical. A stirring warmth flowed from BamBam's vibrant smile, as if he was revealing to Yugyeom a secret from his heart through those breathless, thrilling words.or: in which Yugyeom delves into the black hole that is BamBam, his neighbor, and ultimately the boy he is in love with.





	1. i'm flying over the moon

_“but have you seen that boy,_  
 _he makes the sun come to its knees every night_ ”  
-Rupi Kaur

 

_Sometimes, Yugyeom doesn't think it's real. He wakes up every night looking out his window and wondering when he's going to wake up from this surreal dream. His heart aches – not from sadness or of emptiness, but of life and happiness. He's never felt like this, never had the chance to know what true happiness and love felt like. It's like hiding behind walls, it's always been like that for Yugyeom._

_So, he wakes up every night and stares at his ceiling, biting his lip and counting down the minutes as he waits for reality to come and wake him up from this dream. His lids grow heavy, tired and restless, his heart beat slows down, chest moving up and down; slowly, evenly. Before he knows it he's asleep, peaceful and blank._

_When he wakes up in the morning he doesn't know whether he should be terrified or relieved that he wakes up elated._

 

\

 

Yugyeom's riding past the houses, the sun is just about to set down and lighten another part of the world. He's coming back from visiting the coffee shop in town, a plastic bag hanging from his left wrist and tangling itself over his forearm filled with Nora's food, some banana chips, and his brother's cigarettes. He's been sneaking a pack for himself since he turned eighteen, using the brilliant excuse of buying Jaebum his weekly pack with all the gusto of the world. Jaebum hasn't caught up to it yet, or if he has he's just turning a blind eye.

Yugyeom checks the bulky watch on his plastic bag free wrist, pushing faster on the asphalt as he maneuvers his skateboard past the empty sidewalks. It's going to be eight pm and Yugyeom had promised Jaebum he'd be home by seven thirty; instead Yugyeom had gotten caught up with feeding the stray dog that wandered the lonely park looking for food. He couldn't help himself though, the dog's just a baby, she's got no one except pitiful strangers who feed her their scraps of food. Yugyeom felt his heart tug at her ancient eyes, he knew what that was like.

He makes the curb to his street, slowing down a bit when he finds the driveway empty. He isn't sure whether the weight of relief is subsiding or if it's the disappointment that his brother isn't home that dims him down. Yugyeom sighs, not even surprised that Jaebum isn't home. He's probably pulling an all-nighter with a friend – or at least that's what Jaebum's been using as an excuse for the past two months. Yugyeom's not dense, he knows Jaebum's found someone. He wonders when he'll introduce him.

He stops just at the stop sign, a faded gang sign shining over it that some teenagers did a long time ago. He grabs the _Camel_ pack from the plastic bag, pocketing out his cheap _Bic_ lighter and flicking it as he burns the tip of the cigarette. Jaebum had forced Yugyeom to never pick up on smoking, told him the entire horrors of it, the distressing stories of lung cancer patients. Yugyeom had listened to all of it, wondering at the back of his mind how he was supposed to keep that promise when Jaebum would get all fussy for not smoking his daily "cancer stick."

Oh, if Jaebum saw him at this moment. Would he feel the same disappointment Yugyeom feels when he's home alone all day, the promise of going out for ice cream canceled because classes came up or work interfered?

Yugyeom shakes his head, clearing those thoughts before they took him down a dark and scary road. He flickers the ashes from his cigarette, watching the way they glitter in the sun and fall into the ground before disappearing.

What Yugyeom would do to become those ashes.

He decides to enjoy this moment of the sun falling down, shining its last warm rays before departing. His foot automatically pushes down the cement ground slowly and lazily, a dangling cigarette playing over his lips. Yugyeom's got his favorite artist playing in his ears, smoking up in his brain along with the nicotine. The plastic bag swings from where it's wrapped around his wrist, moving along with him and his skateboard.

He closes his eyes for a moment – the cigarette falls to the ground, his skateboard running over it in its tragic death, the song ends, and then–

And then there's the sound of a boisterous laugh ringing so loudly that Yugyeom can hear it through his earphones. His heart leaps inside his chest, Yugyeom forces for it to chill the fuck down. It's just BamBam. His neighbor.

His fucking crush.

BamBam is sitting on the trunk of his old _Honda_. He's got a _Smirnoff_ in hand and an old stereo radio playing loud hip-hop music. He's smiling brightly at Yugyeom, hair falling messily over his eyes and Yugyeom has to stop harshly at his driveway before he does something humiliating like crash into his lawn and spill everything in his plastic bag all over the grass. (It's happened before, not Yugyeom's proudest moment.)

"Yugyeommie!" BamBam yells out, his voice wobbly. Yugyeom frantically picks his skateboard up, holding tightly onto the plastic bag and demanding for his brain to help him breathe in and out. BamBam's the only person who calls him Yugyeommie, the last person to call him that is now six feet underground.

"How many times do I have to tell you smoking's bad for your health?"

Yugyeom shrugs, "The same amount of times I tell you drinking's not good for you."

BamBam grins and even from here, from across the street with the sun already gone and the moon arising, Yugyeom is blinded by how fucking bright it is. Everything about BamBam is a burning fire, warm, bright, and dangerous. He's staring at Yugyeom with amusement dancing luminously in his eyes.

"Besides," Yugyeom adds, "I'm doing something legal. I'm pretty sure the drinking age in Korea is like twenty-one."

Ah,  there's the signature cocky smirk of BamBam's, curving until it looks like it'll blend in with a grin. A butterfly swarms up his throat, choking him, or maybe that's his heart.

"Shh, I'm saving water by drinking alcohol." He takes a swing of his _Smirnoff_ to prove his point.

Yugyeom smiles back as he retreats to his own home, although his is more choppy and less bright. He tugs his unruly hair from where it falls in his eyes, awkwardly looking over his shoulder as he fights back the grin that wants to bloom over his face. It's a difficult task to grab his house keys that he's hidden under the pot of flowers in his front door when he's carrying his skateboard and a plastic bag. BamBam's unwavering gaze not helping him in anyway.

"See ya at school!" BamBam exclaims, hopping off his car. Yugyeom waves like the awkward tall bean he is and opens his door, shutting it close and letting his head fall back on its sturdiness in relief. BamBam makes him feel so many things, complex and slovenly. His hand twitches for another cigarette and he falls into the temptation, needing to smoke this out before Jaebum comes home and catches him.

He runs his way up the stairs, throwing the plastic bag and his skateboard on his bed as he opens up the window. He dangles himself on the edge of it, another cigarette in hand that he blows out. Immediately a wave of calmness floods over him, his heart rate coming to a normal pace he hadn't even notice had gone up. BamBam just has that kind of effect on him.

There are times Yugyeom wishes that his conversations were longer and more meaningful than the small talk they make whenever they cross one another outside their houses. Because unfortunately for Yugyeom, BamBam doesn't really look his way at school, too busy having half of the school falling onto their knees to praise him. He's fine with it though, if Yugyeom weren't so shy he'd probably do the same. Instead though, he hides behind Jackson's loud personality and Jinyoung's soft spoken one.

Yugyeom looks at the window that he knows is BamBam's, the light is off and it seems pretty empty. He wonders if BamBam thinks about him.

 

\

 

So, here's the thing:

Yugyeom's been harboring this weird gay crush on his across the street Thai neighbor since he was like eight. It began one day when he'd ran out of the house with nothing but a backpack with a bag full of chocolates and the blanket his mother gave him before she left. The sun was gone and no light of the moon had the earth been gifted on this day.

Jaebum had gotten into another argument with their father, his older brother had yelled something about how irresponsible their dad was for coming home drunk and his dad had struck Jaebum across the face with the palm of his hand. The same one Yugyeom had held at night when he'd slip in to sleep with him because the monsters under his bed were out to get him.

He'd panicked and flew out of the house, no one had noticed, of course no one noticed, Yugyeom had always been invisible. He could hear the yelling growing stronger as he kept running and running – growing uncontrollable until Yugyeom realized that the yelling was coming from _inside_ of his head. He'd stop at the lonely, rusty bench under the ancient tree at the empty park, pulling out his bag of chocolates and blanket.

Yugyeom had pulled the blanket over the top of his body, hoping to hide and disappear from the world by staying under the warmth of his blanket. Just as he was about to unwrap a chocolate he'd felt a tiny and skinny finger poking the soft skin of his neck, the blanket not allowing for it to touch him fully. Yugyeom froze, shaking and praying for the stranger to go away, but the poking just kept going making Yugyeom pull the blanket up only to see his adorably cute neighbor staring at him.

He smiled quietly, if a smile could be quiet, and had sat next to Yugyeom. Pulling the blanket over the tops of their heads.

"Hey,"

He whispered. Yugyeom gulped, even back then he had been too shy to utter words around BamBam.

"Can I have some?" His skinny finger pointing at the bag of chocolates in Yugyeom's hands. The boy had nodded slowly, offering the bag to him because Jaebum told him that sharing was caring and Yugyeom was hoping to make his older brother proud so he wouldn't leave him like their mother did.

BamBam opened one of the candies and had held it out, Yugyeom doing the same to his own until their chocolates bumped against one another.

"I declare this moment as the beginning of a revolution."

Yugyeom hadn't even know what the word 'revolution' had meant at that age, but he'd gone along with it because for once Yugyeom felt like someone understood him with no words spoken. His crush began from there and had only flourished and became something stronger, compelling.

 

\

 

It's after eleven, the yellow lights of the streets pop on and illuminate the empty and dark streets of Seoul. Families have begun to succumb into the beginnings of sleep, somewhere in the dead silence of the neighborhood a dog barks and faraway music can be heard, muffled between the walls of Yugyeom’s room. Yugyeom hears the front door opening, Nora jumping off the bed to greet Jaebum. Yugyeom stays where he's lying down, holding onto his record player tightly. There's the sound of Jaebum's deep and tired voice greeting Nora, of a bag being thrown carelessly onto a table, and then footsteps climbing up until they're in front of Yugyeom's room.

He turns his body away, looking out the window. Jaebum grunts his entrance, side stepping the strewn clothing all over the floor until he falls in a heap on top of Yugyeom's bed. There's a warm and strong arm tugging Yugyeom closer, his back being pressed to his older brother's slow and even chest. Reluctantly Yugyeom lets himself be manhandled, pushing down the warmth that spreads over him at the familiarity of Jaebum's body.

He misses this, craves for his older brother's strong arms to wrap him in a hug. He hasn't seen his older brother in a full two days, the elder gone before Yugyeom awoke for school and back after Yugyeom had fallen asleep. A playful hand reaches up to ruffle his hair, Jaebum kissing the crown of his head. He smells like cigarettes and something citrus-like – probably his boyfriend's scent.

"Hey buddy," Jaebum whispers silvery. Yugyeom moves around until he's turned to fully face Jaebum, there's a tired and sluggish glint in his dark, dark eyes.

"Sup,"

Jaebum grins, reminding Yugyeom of those anime characters that his older brother loves to draw in his free time, eyes turning into two little crescent moons and mouth stretched wide open. It's easy and downy.

"You got Nora's food?"

Yugyeom nods.

"Your pack is on your bed,"

Jaebum nods.

It's silent after that, something tugging at Yugyeom's heart. He thinks it's the reminiscent of joy that once sparked like fireworks whenever his older brother was around. He remembers how excitedly he'd recount the stories of the school day, retelling Jackson's attempts to woo Jinyoung and Jinyoung's failed tries to not fall for his stupid puns. There's something nostalgic and sorrowful in how Yugyeom doesn't want to tell his brother about meeting BamBam or of feeding the black puppy from the park.

There's no use, it'll just lull Jaebum to sleep.

Sure enough, Yugyeom will move his body and see that Jaebum has fallen asleep. A hand curling around Yugyeom's waist and pulling him close to nuzzle. It's suffocating and liberating all at once. There are many times that Yugyeom resents his brother for not being there with him, for choosing to work and study than to hang out with his little brother. But then he thinks about how they don't have anyone, how their mom left and their dad is gone. The responsibility is left on Jaebum's shoulders, sure to be tiring for anyone while also juggling work and school.

Yugyeom squeezes his brother's limp hand before slowly and carefully getting up. His bed squeaks, Jaebum frowning before settling back into a peaceful sleep. Yugyeom slips from the covers, treading past Jaebum's dead asleep body. He grabs his record player and the pack of cigarettes he's hidden in his boots, stepping down the stairs as quietly as he can. Nora meows when she sees him and then runs past him to sleep alongside Jaebum.

It's shy of midnight by now, Yugyeom grabbing his skateboard and a pack of sausages from the fridge. Jaebum will be suspicious about where it went but oh well, Yugyeom will deal with that tomorrow. For now, he settles in opening his door and smoothly riding his skateboard down the empty sidewalk under the half-moon of the city. It's cold for a spring night, Yugyeom shivering as he drives faster and faster and feels the nips of cool air breezing his face.

He slows down when he spots the outskirts of the park, the lake shimmers in the reflection of the inky night sky. Sparkling from the yellow lamp lights around the park. Yugyeom sees clouds of smoke from the other side of the lake, probably a group of stoners getting high on a spring Seoul night. Yugyeom grins.

The skateboard stops right in front of the tree that Yugyeom's so fond of. "Hey tree, how's your night going?" He asks it, and he swears he hears the tree groan in a greeting. Yugyeom's skinny fingers open up the packet of sausages, eating one while he cuts the another one with his fingers and drops them onto the cement floor. He hears a happy bark, his companion – the black puppy – running across the field when she sees him.

"Hey baby girl," Yugyeom smiles down at her, scratching behind her ears. "Brought you some stuff to eat, you must be hungry little one." The puppy barks, wagging its tail before eating up the food on the ground. Yugyeom parks his skateboard at the end of the tree bark, climbing up its familiar trunk up and up until he's dangling his feet from a sturdy branch. Another yelp from below and Yugyeom throws a few more pieces, he's got plenty to share with her.

The rustling of the tree's branches and the almost blurry laughter of the druggies from across the park are what Yugyeom considers home. He takes out a cigarette, lighting it up quickly and beginning to talk to the tree. He knows that if anyone where to pass by they'd freak out, who in their right mind would be talking to a tree of all things? But Yugyeom finds comfort in the living being. So he tells the tree about his conversation with BamBam, about Jaebum coming late again, how Jinyoung got jealous because Jackson was supposedly flirting with Sunmi. (Who Yugyeom is one hundred and five percent sure is lesbian.)

He finds himself unconsciously smoking three cigarettes, deft fingers playing with the orange fag while his thumb flicks the lighter on and plays music from his walkman, alternating between speaking out loud and sending the conversation to the tree through his mind. He's been throwing down sausages and creating a cloud of nicotine around him. It's late and Yugyeom needs to get home before Jaebum realizes that his brother isn't sleeping next to him.

He jumps off the tree branch, landing harshly on his feet, so hard that he feels a spike of pain travel from his foot to his upper leg. The dog yelps in surprise. "Sorry pup, I need to go home." He chooses to not ride his skateboard, instead he will enjoy this beautiful cool night of spring under the moon and street lights. The sound of hushed talking comes closer and Yugyeom bids the tree a good night before jogging out of the park. He's not scared of the druggie group but he doesn't really want anyone to see him in case it goes back to his brother.

Jaebum doesn't seem to understand Yugyeom's night adventures of going to a practically abandon park and stay there all through midnight. It's dangerous and he's putting his life at risk with his rebellious streaks of sneaking out to feed stray dogs and talk to trees. Although that last one Jaebum probably doesn't know about, but Yugyeom's pretty sure he'd say something along those lines.

+

There are times when Yugyeom would want nothing more than to blend in with the night. He can't seem to find the right words to describe how completely freeing and relieved he feels when he's skating the empty sidewalks under yellow lights and racing past dark houses. It's a fascination he's never quite understood about himself, but he feels like that's fine since he's got plenty of time to discover everything that makes the formation of Im Yugyeom.

These are the thoughts that are passing through his mind as he skirts to a stop at his neighborhood and fines none other than BamBam himself. And not just the regular, bright BamBam, but a very high and drunk one at that. Yugyeom's never smoked marijuana – like ever, but Jackson's snuck in a bag a few times when he's hung out at Yugyeom's backyard so he knows how it smells. Something earthy, musky, and herbaceous – and like a skunk.

From where Yugyeom stands, hidden behind the shadows of the trees he can see BamBam staggering in his wake attempting to walk to his house. He's on the opposite side of the street, wearing skinny black jeans and the ugliest silk shirt Yugyeom's ever seen that only BamBam can seem to pull off. With shaky hands Yugyeom takes out a cigarette and lights it up, his skateboard tucked safely under his arm as he follows BamBam's rhythm with more precision and less stumbling.

Yugyeom catches sight of a joint in BamBam's skinny fingers, the orange ashes that turn into a crispy grey glow in the barely lit street. Little shit, Yugyeom thinks with a smile, acting all hypocritical and accusing Yugyeom of smoking cigarettes when BamBam's been smoking pot. BamBam stumbles over his feet, giggling and taking another hit of the joint as he attempts to regain some composure. Yugyeom has to fist his hands and tighten his hold over the skateboard, fingers itching to run to BamBam's side every time he sways over to the side too much.

BamBam moves the side of his head, stopping in his tracks and a large and dopey smile blooming over his face when he sees Yugyeom. "Yuggie!" BamBam yells out a bit too loudly, the hand not holding the joint being waved enthusiastically. Yugyeom raises his hand to wave back, a jerky movement since he's carrying his skateboard. BamBam doesn't seem too bothered by Yugyeom's less thrilled greeting, skipping lightly as he crosses the street.

"Visited the trunk again? Thought you had overgrown the talking to trees phase." It's said in a teasing and light way, but Yugyeom freezes in his steps as he meets BamBam in the middle. His body going rigid as he stands behind the faded yellow lines of the street and feeling a wave of humiliation flood him.

"And I thought you didn't smoke because it's bad for your health and yet here we are." He throws back, lame and pathetic like how he feels. BamBam's not sober enough to hear the hurt in Yugyeom's voice, but he's not as fucked up in the brains as he looks since he smiles a little more tenderly and softly at Yugyeom, who has chosen to stare at his old shoes as they scuff against the gravel ground.

"You know something Yugyeommie?" BamBam puffs out another blow, Yugyeom breathes in the scent of it and his own cigarette, hanging loosely and forgotten in between his fingers. "I've always been fascinated by you."

Yugyeom in that moment feels a little less lonely. He is no longer the orphan boy with the older brother who is never home, he isn't the quiet dude who hangs out with bright Jackson and genius Jinyoung. Yugyeom isn't just BamBam's _neighbor_. He is BamBam's _fascination_ , he is that boy BamBam would constantly dream about in his mind even if he hadn't confessed everything about what he felt for Yugyeom. He had casually spilled a high and drunk secret in the dark of the neighborhood.

And so, with the not so bright moon shining down and the grey almost black clouds that passed by over their heads with the leaves turning green and then orange, just as things go fast in movies, Yugyeom felt like his life was beginning all over again.


	2. we're losing the moon

Picture this:

_Yugyeom's just entered the gates to his school, he's slowly moving through the crowd of high schoolers that are packed around the center of the school corridor. He spots Jackson first, the back of his body facing Yugyeom as he talks to someone. That someone who turns out to be an annoyed and at the same time amused looking Jinyoung. Yugyeom scurries to a stop as he sees a security guard turn the corner and he's quick to pick up his skateboard and rush over to hide behind the safety of his friends._

_"Oh well look at you, at school on time for the first time." Jinyoung says. Jackson next to him laughs and Yugyeom just flips them both off as he settles to lay back on the brick wall and roll his skateboard around gently with his foot. Jinyoung goes back to talking to Jackson and Yugyeom can't really find it in him to voluntarily listen to the two lovebirds in front of him flirt their way around one another. It's gross and frustrating since neither one makes a move on the other._

_Across the corridor is BamBam, surrounded by a flock of students. All of them probably talking about some party they're hosting or something like that. Besides BamBam is Youngjae and Minghao, pretty chill dudes although if Yugyeom has a say in anything he prefers Youngjae over Minghao since the Korean boy is the only logical one in their weird trio._

_Never once, throughout this entire ordeal of waiting for the bell to ring and passing students between them do they look at one another. BamBam focused on his friends and laughing too loudly to be considered real and Yugyeom listening to music as his fingers twitch in a rush of anxiety to smoke. The bell will ring and the echoes of shoes will resound through the school hallways as everyone begins their miserable stroll to their classes. Somewhere between morning and afternoon classes Yugyeom will find himself seated in his Art class with BamBam sitting across from him and not even here will they communicate with each other._

_They'll avoid one another’s eyes, BamBam talking in English with Joshua and Yugyeom listening to Jackson babble about basketball season and Jinyoung's drama competitions as he listens to music with the other ear. But as this all happens, in both teens minds there will be the pull of wanting to talk with one another. Of BamBam stopping Joshua mid-sentence and ask Yugyeom how his brother is. And Yugyeom distracting Jackson with a funny video to invite BamBam over to his tree and smoke with him._

_Of course none of this happens, they both nod at one another when the bell rings to end class and then BamBam's off his way with Mingyu and Yugyeom's pulled in by Jungkook's arm wrapped around his shoulder with Jackson and Jinyoung stepping alongside them._

There's a perfectly logical explanation to this:

They aren't friends.

 

\

 

Their Astronomy teacher is running late. Students wander aimlessly around the hallway, some with their earphones plugged on and others talking to one another.

Jungkook and Jackson share this class with him, they're both rambling on about something that Yugyeom really isn't paying attention to. Not when BamBam is right across him, waiting for his Computer Science teacher to open the door. Yugyeom guesses though that the conversation between Jackson and Jungkook has something to do with a party – most likely the one BamBam was coming back from the other day. He tunes them out easily, grunting and humming when he finds it necessary so that Jungkook or Jackson won't find it suspicious that he's not paying attention.

Through all the commotion of students laughing and Jackson's high pitch voice ringing, Yugyeom can latch on to BamBam's voice. His head follows each movement that the Thai boy makes, from how he furiously shakes his head at Hansol to the way he pushes Minghao's skinny arms away from him. BamBam laughs, his head turning to face one of his friends, when suddenly he makes eye contact with Yugyeom – catching the tall boy staring at him.

Yugyeom flushes, averting his eyes back to Jungkook who is re-telling the story of how Taehyung got him drunk and Jackson dared him to go naked and jump into the pool on a spring night. For a few seconds Yugyeom can feel a burning gaze tearing through his skin and into his bones, but it only last for those few seconds before Yugyeom's body stops tingling.

In-between the chatter and yelling from teachers Yugyeom is able to pick out Minghao's voice, teasing BamBam about something.

"You totally said yes, man. I was there, Mingyu was fucking there. Stop being a little pussy and live up to your stupid answers." The Chinese boy says. BamBam spurts out indignantly, Yugyeom isn't able to hear what he says, just snippets and he's able to make out between all of that that BamBam asked out a girl because he was too high to acknowledge who it was.

The bell rings then, Jungkook pulling Yugyeom into the classroom as the teacher cries out apologies and frets over her hair. Yugyeom looks over his shoulder one last time before entering the lab and is startled to see BamBam's unwavering gaze zeroed on him.

"Dude, what is it with you today? You've been zoning out since this morning."

 

\

 

The sound of Jackson whining and Jinyoung shushing him is familiar to Yugyeom. It washes over him like the shadow of the wind that breezes through the grass. The sun is pouring down over them, creating sweat to gather uncomfortably through their thin shirts and clammy foreheads. Yugyeom huffs out a sigh, hands drifting to his hips as he breathes in the humid taste of late spring.

They're at some kind of event, Yugyeom doesn't know exactly what it is, he was dragged off to volunteer by Jinyoung there against his will. Jackson is complaining about how he should be home right now, watching a movie with popcorn and a slushie on this terribly hot spring day instead of having to pass out brochures to adults and kids alike. Jinyoung retaliates about how the community service will look good on his resume when he applies to university, the same one Jinyoung's going to.

"You won't even be doing much work Jackson, you'll just be handing out papers to people and smile like the charming young man you are." Yugyeom retches when Jackson blushes to his ears, Jinyoung grinning at him until his eyes turn into moon crescents.

"Gosh, you two are horrible. Do that kind of stuff in the privacy of your own room."

Jinyoung narrows his eyes, biting back his words. Jackson slaps him lightly over the head. "Shut up, it's called progress."

Jinyoung shows them to a table set up with flyers and pens. Yugyeom sits down on a chair, Jinyoung giving the both of them instructions for when the people start to gather and the event begins. "Don't do anything stupid, guys," Jinyoung warns them before he jogs off to talk with Seokjin and all the other talented students. Jackson sighs out petulantly, pouting as he keeps his gaze on Jinyoung who is now talking with a student that Yugyeom doesn't know the name of.

He watches how the dude wraps an arm around Jinyoung's waist, smiling at him with cocky eyes. Yugyeom hears Jackson make a noise at the back of his throat, a ‘ _the fuck’_ tumbling from his lips.

"Dude, is Jinyoung flirting with that guy?" Jackson asks, his voice unusually raucous.

Yugyeom turns away from Jinyoung, facing Jackson who has this adorable frown etched over his handsome features. He feels a wave of sympathy for Jackson, if there's anyone in the world who is madly in love and so obvious about it, it's Jackson Wang. Yugyeom's always known that the Chinese boy had a crush the size of Asia on Jinyoung since he entered their classroom twelve years ago. Yugyeom hadn't talked to Jinyoung back then (the guy was too popular and well-liked by everyone for Yugyeom to hang out with him) but Jackson had fumbled through his broken Korean as a six-year-old and won over Jinyoung's heart, becoming his best friend.

Two years later, Jackson shared the same teacher with Yugyeom and befriended him too. Introducing him to Jinyoung who had smiled at him and taken him under his wing. Yugyeom had always noticed the way Jackson's gaze would linger on Jinyoung during their middle school years, how he'd bite the inside of his cheek whenever a girl confessed to Jinyoung and then was politely rejected by the Korean boy.

Yugyeom asked Jackson about it one time, why he didn't just tell Jinyoung how he felt. Jackson had turned all sad, eyes falling down as he bit his lip. "We're nothing alike, our friendship barely works and besides, Jinyoung's always been too worthy for me. I'm – I'm nothing."

Yugyeom had really wanted to hit Jackson over the head. How could the most confident guy in their student body (in the entire universe) not see the way Jinyoung would stare at Jackson like he had hung up the moon and the stars just for him. How he was always turning people down because he wanted the boy who was so close to him yet so far from his reach.

Yugyeom ended up sighing, having to live on with being friends to two of the stupidest in love people who seem like they were dating since they met but were in fact _just friends_.

"You know what Yug? I'm uh, going to ask Jinyoung a question I've had regarding this thing. I'll be back." Jackson mumbles, marching off to push himself in-between the handsy boy and Jinyoung. Yugyeom holds back a laugh, watching the random boy sneer at Jackson before turning away. Jackson ends up staying by Jinyoung's side, something Yugyeom knew would happen. He wonders how he'll be passing the fliers to all the guest when–

When in comes BamBam. Always showing up at the most random of places. Yugyeom can feel his face redden as a smile flowers over BamBam's face, waving at Yugyeom. It's the first time BamBam's actually acknowledge his presence in school, usually he nods at him from the opposite side. It throws Yugyeom off from his axis, his heart beating quickly and his hands twitching in the need to hold on to a cigarette.

"I didn't know you'd be hanging out here Yuggie," BamBam says, head cocking to the side in a silent question. Yugyeom, from his behalf, feels like the sun has dropped another layer of a heat wave since his ears are now ringing and his head feels light-headed. He gulps nervously, wiping his palms over his white-washed ripped jeans.

"Umh, yeah. Helping out Jinyoung hyung. Jackson was supposed to help me but–"

BamBam makes an understanding _ah_ , his soft grin turning into a smirk as he wiggles his eyebrows at Yugyeom. The expression nearly causes for Yugyeom to get a heart attack, he can't handle how irritatingly handsome BamBam looks as he wears that look.

"Well," BamBam yelps out, "I'll help you out. I came here for the free food but I'd rather enjoy it with you."

Yugyeom's eyes grow wide as BamBam hops over the table and nearly falls on his face. He quickly balances himself before doing so, giggling at Yugyeom's deer-caught-in-a-headlights look. BamBam moves around to settle in the space between them, draping himself on the chair as he maneuvers his body to fully face Yugyeom.

For a glorious moment the last sunshine falls upon BamBam's glowing face, he spoke on about something Yugyeom couldn't hear, caught in a breathless air as his voice soothed Yugyeom into a state of exuberance – then it faded, each light of the sun deserting him with a lingering regret.

"You get me? Sometimes I just want to smack him over the head for all the shit he puts me through."

Yugyeom starts, blinking rapidly now that BamBam's put his full attention on him. The boy had asked him something, what it was Yugyeom had no clue. But if he heard that last sentence then it meant he was bothered by someone. Minghao comes rushing into his head, the conversation from two days ago coming to his mind.

Yugyeom opens his mouth to respond, some bullshit he thinks would make sense despite not knowing what it was BamBam had been talking about. But before he does so, BamBam beats him to it. His voice is silvery, eyes focused only on Yugyeom's as he says, "You remind me of – of the moon. Of the glowing moon."

It's – it's not what Yugyeom had expected. He's never been compared to the moon after all. He doesn't even know what that's supposed to mean. But the way BamBam had said it, _how_ he told Yugyeom that, had made it sound mystical. A stirring warmth flowed from BamBam's vibrant smile, as if he was revealing to Yugyeom a secret from his heart through those breathless, thrilling words.

Suddenly BamBam stood up, his posture rigid and tense. Yugyeom noticed with some disorientation that the event had started and there were plenty of people coming in. They began to pass out the fliers, welcoming everyone in – BamBam with a shrilly voice and Yugyeom in a small one.

For the rest of the night BamBam talked about the most random of things. From what he would be eating after the event to how T'challa was the greatest hero in the superhero universe. Yugyeom would raise a brow, challenging BamBam by saying that he had mispronounced Spiderman's name. They bantered and laughed, the awkward compliment from earlier still leeched onto each other's skin no matter what they spoke about.

Among the light teasing and the murmurs of BamBam telling the life of every person that passed by, Yugyeom was conscious of wanting to look BamBam squarely in the eye, and yet avoid his glance.

The evening went on, Yugyeom thinking about how this was the longest conversation the two of them had ever had on school grounds – heck on any kind of grounds! BamBam was talking to Yugyeom as if they were _friends_ , not just neighbors who were familiar enough with one another that they spoke when they found each other in their front lawns. It was like their two separate universes were clashing and mending into one, a black hole created right in the middle because of it.

Yugyeom couldn't stop the wishful thoughts of this becoming normal. Of BamBam dropping the popular, handsome boy act and Yugyeom shrugging off the timid, invisible boy one. This was their moment, and even if it lasted for this one night Yugyeom would snatch it and save it in a jar. Keeping it safe in his memory. He couldn't help the way his heart raced every time he bit his lip and BamBam's eyes would linger a second too long on them, gazing at Yugyeom with alluring eyes.

The thought of kissing BamBam in that moment passed through Yugyeom's head, but Jungkook came galloping towards him, Jimin behind him as they both began to tell Yugyeom of how Jackson had been so close to asking out Jinyoung and how it was ruined because Namjoon tripped over his shoelaces and fell on top of Jackson. BamBam joins them, and the moment is gone.

 

\

 

Yugyeom's got this one class that he enjoys a lot. It's his last year of high school and he's constantly being ambushed by counselors and advisors to apply into college, teachers giving them final exams and having to do extra credit – really, it's all a fucking mess of stress that Yugyeom doesn't really need at the moment. He just wants to get over his classes, finish high school, and graduate. And his teacher in this particular class seems to understand that from him.

It's a screenwriting class, supposed to teach the students how to write scripts and the formation of making one, but it has ended up becoming something more than that. Yugyeom had never exactly known what he would be majoring in when he applied for college, but after having been in that class for the first week of school, Yugyeom had immediately looked into filming.

The class is really small, a few seniors and two juniors, all in all it's about seven of them. Their teacher has got to be the best guy to ever teach in the world. He's somewhat an inspiration to Yugyeom, always showing them movies and then discussing the deeper meaning behind them or just plain discussing about them. It engages Yugyeom, something that's never been done since he's such an introvert and likes to stay behind the scenes of the behind the scenes. He won't exactly say he's close to the other six peers in his class, but he thinks that he's able to say they're all on a friendly level to the point they'll hang out after school.

So it's in this class that it starts.

Yugyeom's paying attention to the short film their teacher put on for them. It's a French film, and it has completely captivated his attention since he thinks he can relate so much to the lonely main character. The short film isn't even halfway in when his teacher calls him over, a somewhat apologetic expression on his wrinkled face. Yugyeom huffs out in pretense annoyance, but really he doesn’t mind.

“Sorry, Yugyeom. I’ll lend you the movie so you can watch it in your free time.” He smiles warmly, like a father would do. Yugyeom blocks that thought out. “I need you to go to the copy room on the west side of the school, the damn copy machine in this building jammed again and I need to print out these papers for y’alls assignment.”

“It’s fine, I’ll be on my way, but remember you promised to lend me the movie!”

One of his peers – Sehun, he thinks – sends him a glare and shushes him. Yugyeom doesn’t take any offense towards it, just smiles and opens the door to get out. The fact that he was comfortable enough to smile back at one of his classmates who sent him a glare and the only thing Yugyeom did back was grin makes a flash of pride rush across his chest, he wishes he could be as easy-going and carefree like he is with his classmates and friends.

Those are Yugyeom’s thoughts as he walks down the stairs and avoids staring directly at the security guards and the assistant principals that pass by. He walks slowly and begins to let his eyes wander around the empty hallways and the bright walls filled with old posters and pictures. It hits him then, how this may be the last time he’ll ever walk through these halls as a student walking to grab some copies, this will probably the one time he has left to stroll around with his hands in his pockets and regarding this familiar building with different eyes. The eyes of a senior leaving.

Somehow, someway his feet have led him to the copy room in the corner of the last hallway of the building. It’s dark and he can hear the rumbling of the printing machine as he stands outside the room. He sees the silhouette of a body, a boy’s body. For a second Yugyeom hesitates and ponders the idea of walking around a little more until whoever is inside leaves. But then the glare of the lights from the school seem to cast into the shadowed room and he catches the glimpse of a familiar face, the head facing down as a thumb scrolls through something on their phone.

It’s BamBam.

Yugyeom steps in.

“Hey,” Yugyeom shyly says, he doesn’t know where they stand on this uneven ground they’ve created. The compliment from last week still echoing through Yugyeom’s mind. He hasn’t seen BamBam except in-between classes and lunch. He’s probably been skipping their shared Art class, Yugyeom’s heard the rumor that the seniors are planning a prank and he’s sure that BamBam’s a part of it.

BamBam beams as soon as he sees that it’s Yugyeom. His heart races at the soft edge in his eyes as he smiles at the tall boy. “Yugyeommie! Good to see you man, I’ve been missing out on Art. What have you guys been up to?” He looks down at his phone one last time, a flash of annoyance in his brown eyes before it’s gone. Yugyeom stares as BamBam pockets his phone, wondering what it was that had BamBam looking unhappy.

“Not much really, we’ve had a sub this entire week. Something about the art teacher volunteering for field trips or something. We’ve just been minding our own business.”

“Ah, well it’s a good thing I haven’t been around or maybe I would have gotten the sub irritated.” There’s a ping from his phone and Yugyeom catches the way BamBam huffs out exasperated.

There’s a groaning coming from the machine and BamBam’s typing away angrily at his phone. He’s biting his bottom lip, practically crushing his phone with his tight grip. Yugyeom doesn’t think he’s ever seen BamBam look so angry before, he’s normally always smiling and goofing around. And even the times he seems irritated with his friends, the peeved frown he has etched over his handsome features makes something inside of Yugyeom want to curl.

He licks his lips, throat suddenly feeling dry. “What’s got you so piss looking?” His tone is light and airy, albeit a bit shaky but he hopes it sounds soothing enough that the crossed look on BamBam’s soft face will go away. Normally Yugyeom would attempt to ignore any kind of conversation, especially one where BamBam seemed mad, but he doesn’t want to see this seething BamBam. He wants smiling and cocky BamBam.

BamBam looks up and catches the curious look in Yugyeom’s eyes. It’s as if suddenly the rant he had building up inside of him had wisp away into a fog of smoke. His shoulders relax and the tight grip he had on his phone slackens. His carefree grin is back on full force and there’s a mysterious gleam shining in his brown eyes.

Yugeyom gulps, his heart palpitating.

“Ah, it’s nothing. Just Minghao being a dickhead. Nothing new there though,” It’s quiet after that, Yugyeom nodding slowly and choosing to stare at the copy machine. He watches the way the papers flow out from it, stacking up on top of one another like loose leaves. He can feel BamBam’s unrelenting gaze on the side of his face.

“He’s making me go on some stupid date,” BamBam finally blurts out.

Yugyeom’s neck almost snaps with how fast he turns to stare at BamBam. He feels his heart sink, sink, _sink_ until he’s sure he feels it bottomed at his feet. BamBam hums, avoiding his gaze.

“Oh,”

BamBam coughs, “Yeah, I know. He’s making me do it because she’s his cousin or something like that and has had a crush on me since like forever I think. According to Minghao I had asked her out while I was drunk and high,” – BamBam keeps his eyes on Yugyeom’s shaggy old converse – “but I’m pretty sure he made that up and has Mingyu and Hansol backing him up on this one.”

Yugyeom doesn’t know what to say. What exactly is he supposed to say when the guy he’s been crushing on since he moved in eight years ago tells him he’s going to date a girl. Minghao’s cousin at that. He knows that it’ll be hard for BamBam to get out of the relationship without getting beaten up by Minghao. Although maybe he deserves it for going to parties and allowing himself to get dared on to do stupid things.

“Well,” Yugyeom clicks his tongue, grabbing the papers. “That sucks for you.” BamBam hums mortified. “It probably won’t be that bad,”

He stops himself there, the copy machine is no longer printing and the only sound in the room is the vibrating of the a/c and their breathing.

“It will be, trust me Yugyeom.”

_Yugyeom?_

“And why’s that?”

There’s something swimming around in BamBam’s eyes. He seems surprised for a moment, then momentarily confused, his head cocked to the side as he eyes Yugyeom. His breath is shallow and he’s afraid of moving because the stare BamBam is giving him is so intense and oddly flustering.

“You really don’t know?”

This time it’s Yugyeom who frowns, perplexed about this situation. What exactly is he supposed to know?

Suddenly there’s a smirk morphing over BamBam’s plump lips. He’s staring at Yugyeom through his lashes, freezing Yugyeom in his spot with the glare of his pretty eyes. How Yugyeom’s still breathing is a wonder of the universe itself. BamBam steps closer to him and instead of breaching all over Yugyeom’s space he sidesteps him and leans against the door frame.

“I don’t really roll her way.”

It’s vague and confusing, or at least to him it is. Yugyeom wants to question it, but he decides to keep his mouth shut. BamBam sends him one last fleeting smile before he nods his head in departure and walks away. Yugyeom’s left in the copy room bewildered, elated, and wondering what the fuck just happened.

He grabs the papers from the machine and doesn’t move for another ten minutes until he hears the sound of keys and teacher’s voices echoing into the tiny room. Yugyeom leaves. It’s not until he gets back to class that he realizes BamBam never left with any papers in hand.

Weird.


	3. our own space travels

The school buzzes with the sound of stomping and teachers yelling out frantically about due homework and upcoming tests. The third quarter is about to end and the teachers have been pestering the students with studying and lesson plans, especially on the Seniors. Yugyeom shrugs all that off and steps out into the humid warmth of late spring, he slides his skateboard down and flees past one of the assistant principals as he scolds Yugyeom for gliding around in that thing.

Jackson is leaning up on the brick wall of the gate, hordes of students billowing out and bypassing the Chinese boy. He smiles and waves at a few, Yugyeom paying attention at the way Jackson grins broadly. Seemingly out of nowhere Jinyoung appears, and it’s as if Jackson’s physically melted. Yugyeom can’t help the soft smile that spreads over his lips, taking in the way Jackson turns into a puddle of goo when Jinyoung leans into his space closer.

It’s kinda disgusting actually, but they both seem happy enough so Yugyeom goes against teasing them.

“We’re stopping by Starbucks for some drinks and pastries. You’re coming.” Jackson’s voice is tinged with finality. Yugyeom shrugs and pockets out a loose cigarette he had hidden in his jean pockets. Besides him, he hears Jinyoung tsk, but doesn’t say anything else.

The walk to the coffee shop is shared between Jackson recounting how his Stats teacher is actually an undercover Russian spy that’s made it his mission to terrorize students. Jinyoung ignores him and talks about his last upcoming play, and Yugyeom just smokes his cigarette and thinks about nothing and BamBam.

It's been a reoccurring thing lately. Yugyeom will hang out with his two best friends and let his mind wander to simple things like what he'll eat when he gets home and how to avoid another confrontation with Jaebum. And then suddenly he'll see something that reminds him of BamBam and his mind will flutter images of BamBam's smile and his big brown eyes. It's made him more distracted than he usually is, his comebacks and random quotes of his favorite movies coming to a still now that it seems BamBam's made a home inside his mind.

It's probably this exact reason that Jackson had forced Yugyeom to come along with them. It's been a while since they all hung out together and not diverse away from one another. He hopes that they won't interrogate him and make him spill out what's been eating up his mind. Yugyeom doesn't want to let anyone in with this thing between him and BamBam – friendship? maybe – and he also doesn't want to talk about how BamBam's going to a date tonight while he's here with his friends.

"How's Jaebum hyung?" Jackson asks, because Jackson's always worried about Yugyeom's older brother. Jaebum and Jackson seem to have some kind of bond going between the two that's just as weird as it sounds. More so when Yugyeom swears he's never seen the two of them talk before.

Yugyeom shrugs, "I don't know. Haven't seen him in a while." He's interrupted by the girl in the front asking for his order, quickly following it with a Caramel Frappe. He frowns as he side-steps and turns to look at Jackson. "I think he's dating someone."

They make their way to an empty table next to a few college kids typing madly away at their laptops. Yugyeom can see himself sitting down in a busy Starbucks like this one, slouched over his chair as he typed madly about a film he wanted to write while ignoring his Anthropology homework. He hears Jinyoung gasp and Yugyeom turns away, settling down across the chair from Jackson and Jinyoung.

"Are we talking about the same Jaebum? The same dude who constantly rants about how dating nowadays is uncivilized and a total waste of time? How long has this been going on?"

Jaebum when through this phase – not that Jaebum calls it that, but Yugyeom is adamant it was a phase – where he'd read philosophical novels and sat back outside their backyard with a glass of scotch in one hand and a lit cigar in the other. Yugyeom made fun of him the entire time it lasted, laughing mockingly because Jaebum hated alcohol and he didn't even know how to smoke a cigar the correct way.

He’d had to listen to Jaebum's speeches of how romance was ephemeral and juvenile. (Yugyeom thinks his brother didn't believe in falling in love because he saw how their parents’ marriage ended, but he stops himself from thinking too hard about it.)

It had been torturous and yet hearing his brother sit down to talk with him – the words mumbled and uninflected, running together in a soothing tune – he'd felt free and at ease. Even if it meant fifteen year old him had to pretend to understand the philosophy of how pretentious love was and only fumbling teenagers fell in love. Yugyeom smiles at the memory, he's gotten great teasing material to use against Jaebum since then.

"I think so, he's tall and has these glaring eyes but is an actual softie when it comes to cliché rom-coms and romantic animes. Sound familiar?" Jackson grins, ruffling Yugyeom's hair at his response. "But I'm still not sure if my theory is correct. He's been coming home later than usual, and he's always tired, but he talks to me when all I want to do is sleep." Yugyeom doesn't say that he's angry at his brother, but he's sure Jinyoung and Jackson get it. They always do. "Also, he comes home smelling like tangerines and apples. It's a weird combination, but it's … soothing."

Jackson hums, avoiding eye contact. Yugyeom has tuned into the frequency of his best friends all too well. It's an advantage to preferring to stay hidden in the shadows and observe everyone. He knows what ticks Jackson and what gets Jinyoung easily flustered. It's why his teasing is relentless and always pushes buttons. His screenwriting teacher says it's a gift, he'll make great movies with it. So, he's a little baffled to why Jackson is staring at his blueberry muffin like it's the most interesting thing in the world. Jinyoung seems oblivious to this.

"Mhm, sounds like he's met someone. He hasn't mentioned anything about meeting anyone?"

Yugyeom hums thoughtfully, but doesn't remove his eyesight from a still oddly silent Jackson. He decides to let it go though, if Jackson was hiding something from Yugyeom because his brother asked him to, he wasn't going to pry. It just makes him feel dejected that his own brother is closer to his best friend than with him.

"Like I said, he talks to me when I'm about to fall asleep."

The conversation about his brother ends there. Jackson gives Yugyeom an apologetic smile and Yugyeom can't help returning it. Jinyoung starts to talk about how relieved he feels now that the semester is almost over and they'll be graduating. Jackson pitches in about receiving his acceptance letter soon. Yugyeom listens to them and then he sees a guy passing by the windows, hands in his pocket with a _Supreme_ shirt on. BamBam comes fleeting into his mind.

+

Sometimes Jackson and Jinyoung talk at once, unobtrusively and with a bantering rhythm in their tone that was never quite chatter, that was as loud as Jackson’s bright yellow hoodie and yet filled with a silence to it that Jinyoung’s soothing personality seem to emit. Yugyeom found the combination of it all fascinating, an itch shivering up his right arm as if begging to write down every detail of their relationship.

It was an odd thing though, this want to write about his two best friends as if they were characters and not real people. So, he drinks up the last bit of his Caramel Frappe as if it were a drop in the bottom of a glass.

Jackson mentions a movie he wants to see during the weekend and Jinyoung asks Yugyeom if he’d like to come and watch it with them, maybe get some burgers at the tiny diner nearby the old movie theatre. Yugyeom contemplates it and ends up responding with a _we’ll see_.

His fingers twitch in his pockets, and he rushes out of the Starbucks with the glare of his two best friends burning his back. As he walks by he looks into the café, Jackson sending him a wave and an easy smile. It calms Yugyeom down and he slows his steps as he makes a gesture with his hands about texting them later.

He snatches his earphones from the little pocket in his backpack and begins his rolling through the sidewalk. He’s grown an obsession with classical french music, the orchestra and opera voice filtering in through his ears. Yugyeom blames the french film his screenwriting teacher lend him, the movie has been stuck in his head since. The wind picks up as Yugyeom swishes his foot over the cracked sidewalks, his hair fluttering as if wanting to fly away.

The sun fell down over Yugyeom’s features, warming his cheeks and painting them a lovely pink that melted right in with his smooth pale skin. BamBam came wilting in through his mind, the sound of violins and the thick even sound of the lady singing through his ears broke through as he came to a harsh halt right in front of his house. Yugyeom breathed in heavily, his heart racing as if he had run home when all he’d done was pave across the ground in the diminishing wind.

Orange and red light bloomed in past the large and shady trees in the neighborhood, tiny beams of its light coming in through the thin parts of the houses space. The music ends and Yugyeom watches BamBam coming out of the house. Yugyeom doesn’t move, keeps his eyes steady on BamBam’s figure that sparkled in the evening light. He’s wearing ripped dark jeans, a translucent white button up hidden beneath a light grey cardigan.

BamBam picks his phone out from his pocket, a frown etched his face as he spoke with a fierce voice to whoever was in the receiving end. Yugyeom can’t make out what’s being said, his earbuds plugged inside and the short wind hustling is loud enough that he can’t quite make out what BamBam is yelling out.

He thinks for a brief moment of making his appearance known but decides against it. What’s he going to do? Wish BamBam, the boy Yugyeom dreams of kissing and holding hands, good luck on the little date Minghao set him up on because he’s always committing himself to stupid things, like dares and shit.

No. Yugyeom won’t do that.

BamBam opens the door to his _Honda_ , still ranting on his phone. The engine roars alive and yet BamBam still hasn’t noticed Yugyeom’s unmoving body from where he stands watching his every movement. Music begins to play, _Drake’s_ voice easing out before it’s being muffled by BamBam closing the door. Yugyeom shakes his head, picks his skateboard up and flees into the privacy of his own room. He doesn’t want to delve into why he feels the urge to punch someone’s face – preferably BamBam’s.

_I don’t really roll her way._

What the fuck does that even mean.

+

Yugyeom would be lying if he said he hadn’t stayed up waiting to see when BamBam would arrive. His brother had come home earlier than some days, but today he hadn’t made his presence known by entering Yugyeom’s room and talking with him. Yugyeom isn’t sure if he’s glad for the quietness or whether he’s angry because Jaebum didn’t feel like speaking with him. He decides not to overthink it, whatever. Jaebum’s probably in a mood.

Above his mirror is an old clock that ticks, revealing with the help of the moonlight that it was half-past eleven at night. The clock was given to him by his screenwriting teacher his junior year, when he first took his class. His teacher had said something about visiting a little town near Rome during a meeting with his old friends and had seen the clock at a flea market.

It had reminded him of Yugyeom and he’d gifted it to him on his birthday. Yugyeom had cried in the silence of his room, an unlit candle on the tiny cake Jackson and Jinyoung had given him, holding the delicate wood of the old clock. It had been the best gift anyone had ever given him and Yugyeom treasured it highly.

He looks up at it again, then at his messy reflection on the mirror. Looking out the window he gets a sudden itch of wanting to smoke so Yugyeom pulls the covers off his body, grabbing the record player and whatever mixtape was out in display inside the drawer.

He opens the door to his room carefully, quickly snags the last pack of cigarettes hidden behind a picture frame of a younger and smaller Yugyeom and Jaebum. Yugyeom stares at it for a while before pushing it face down, grabbing the box and slipping on his sandals, walking out into the cool night air.

He shuts the door behind him, but not before Nora comes rushing out and making herself comfortable on the step of the front. “Jaebum kick you out?” He asks. Nora looks him up before curling her head over her tiny paws, Yugyeom grins a little at the arrogant stunt Nora pulled before sitting himself down next to her small figure. The Seoul moon looks bright in comparison to the barely lit stars scattered over the black sky. Yugyeom picks up the tape he grabbed, thumbs the black lettering of the word _Asleep_.

“Ah, so tonight we shall delve into the wonderous world of _The Smiths_ and _The Beatles_ , am I right Nora?” The cat meows and Yugyeom huffs out a chuckle as he places it in between the space meant for it in his record tape player. He pulls on his headphones, clicking the _play_ button and slowly humming along to the song. The cheap lighter in his hands is too light and Yugyeom frowns as he realizes that there’s barely any gas left inside of it. He hopes there’s enough for at least one cigarette.

The wind picks up, as if sensing an arrival. Yugyeom lights up the cigarette and puffs in the smoke. Orange embers fly out, grey ashes carefully falling apart. The night is loud and bright, even with the music that Yugyeom plays the wind rushes in through the headphones, beating like tiny wings and fluttering the leaves of the trees as a hum slowly begins to descend past the silent neighborhood, frogs and crickets synchronizing along with the song the outside sang.

Nora picks her head up, green eyes narrowed on the silhouette of another moving cat. Yugyeom held the cigarette between his pointer and middle finger, a tiny cloud rising a fog over his head. His eyes followed the movement of the cat, running across BamBam’s green lawn that wavered across the moonlight. It duck underneath some bush and Nora finally tucked her head back in, flicking her tail over Yugyeom’s thigh as if annoying him to pet her fur. Yugyeom snorts, mutters something about spoiled cats before allowing his free hand to run through her soft fur, glistening against the moon.

Lights, dim yellow lights from the ground and not the lamps catch Yugyeom’s attention. He inhales another puff of smoke, curling beneath the shadows of his front porch as BamBam’s old and beaten up _Honda_ comes to view. It drives slowly, almost as if hesitant of arriving to its final destination. No music pumps loudly like it had done in the late afternoon when he’d left on his date, only the sound of Yugyeom’s music barely echoing in the quiet night.

The car stops just before it reaches BamBam’s house, Yugyeom has to squint his eyes to barely make out BamBam’s body. It looks like he’s resting his head against the wheel, hands running through the strands of his hair. Yugyeom can feel the tips of his lips turning down as he narrows his eyes.

He jumps in surprise when BamBam looks up, shaking his head almost furiously. Suddenly there’s the sound of squealing tires hitting against the gravel making Nora jump in fright and hide behind Yugyeom’s body. Yugyeom lets go of the cigarette, steps on it to end its glowing tip. He holds his breath, eyes watching BamBam’s figure emerging out from his car.

BamBam carefully shuts the door, his steps uneven and Yugyeom can tell that he’s drunk from where he’s hidden. Disappointment and anger fill Yugyeom up and he forces himself to calm down and sink into _Oh! Darling_ before he does something irrational like ask BamBam why he’s always doing things for people just to look cool.

Nora must sense his troubled thoughts since she begins to rub her tiny head against the cloth of his shirt. It calms him down and when Yugyeom turns to look back up he finds BamBam staring at his house, particularly at Yugyeom’s window that’s shut close with the ghost of his curtains.

Something inside of Yugyeom unravels a knot, falling apart under the gaze of BamBam who stares at his window, hands in his pocket and a contemplated expression over his face. The way his shoulders shook and how his steps wobbled as he took a few steps ahead suggested to Yugyeom that BamBam wasn’t drunk.

He was crying.

The song ends and Yugyeom presses the pause button, the noise of the crickets and the barely their sound of a car honking separating the space between Yugyeom and BamBam. Yugyeom decided on calling him, wanting – _needing_ to know what BamBam meant with his compliment from a few weeks ago, the desperation of needing to know what the fuck BamBam meant with his _I don’t really roll her way_ that was eating Yugyeom’s thoughts.

But something stops Yugyeom from doing so. Perhaps it’s the way that BamBam shivers violently even with no cold air or maybe in how he couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off from Yugyeom’s bedroom window. Whatever it is, Yugyeom held back from calling him out. BamBam removes his hands from his pockets and wipes his face, he smiled choppy and so unlike himself, as if a little lonely and yet content about it being that way. He stretched out his arms toward the sky in a curious move before one came down and began waving gently at Yugyeom’s window.

Involuntarily Yugyeom turns to look at his window, wondering about a million different reasons why BamBam had done that. Nora meows and Yugyeom looks down, grabbing his record player and cigarette pack. When he looks back to where BamBam had been he had vanished, and Yugyeom was once again alone in the loud darkness.


	4. we're all astronauts

There was a time during his sophomore year that Jinyoung became obsessed with English literature – with literature in general actually. Yugyeom likes to hypothesize that Jinyoung did it to educate himself in some of the greatest western novels ever written in time, but he’s leaning more onto the fact that he probably did it to practice his English skills and impress Jackson.

He knows it sounds a little entitled of him and probably comes off a bit shitty since he’d be reducing Jinyoung’s intelligence to the root of impressing Jackson, but like, one would have had to experience sophomore year with Jackson and Jinyoung to understand why he thinks it was just all some plot to learn English and talk with Jackson.

Anyways, that’s not his point.

His point is that when Jinyoung started reading books from the late 1800s in America and he became infatuated – because that’s the only word Yugyeom can use to describe to some relatable level Jinyoung’s obsession – with a bunch of American authors during the 1920s, there was this one book.

Now, Yugyeom can’t recall the title or even the author of the book (it was some dude from the 1920s who had problems and was, like, an alcoholic, maybe, he’s probably confusing him with someone else) but he remembers Jinyoung mentioning something about a valley of ashes.

Somehow Jackson has _stubbornly persuaded_ (Yugyeom would like to use the word _kidnapped_ ) him into going along to one of the parties the popular seniors in their school has thrown.

At first, when Jackson had off-handedly asked Yugyeom if he had ever gone to a high school party – and no, not the boring with seven people including your fifty something year old teacher, does not count as a high school party – Yugyeom hadn’t really thought about Jackson’s true nature underneath the innocent question so he’d thought nothing of it when he said, “No, not really interested in them.”

Of course, now that he looks back on it he wishes he hadn’t said that because now Jackson is thinking that Yugyeom is a depressed teenager and socially anxious about meeting other people – which isn’t too far from the truth but Yugyeom doesn’t really want to tell Jackson that since it would most likely end up with a conversation that neither of them exactly fancy having. Still, it doesn’t get rid of the annoyance and frustration Yugyeom is glaring towards Jackson when he realizes he’s been tricked into going to a high school party.

He could hit and berate himself over not noticing the signs before. How Jackson had been yapping about his first time sneaking out from his house to go to those legendary parties the seniors bragged about in front of the awe-struck freshmen’s.

Then when Jackson had roped Jungkook into it, the bratty kid nodding along to Jackson’s words about spin the bottle stories and playing beer pong. They even brought in an oblivious Taehyung into their stories, Taehyung who happily and excitedly started to run Yugyeom’s ears off about the time he almost got one of the houses set on fire because he wanted to see if the sprinklers on the roof would go off and flood the place.

It didn’t help at all when Jinyoung had shown up from a rare day off from drama practice to lead them both into the bus that Jackson had told Yugyeom would take them to Hongdae. The bus did end up taking them to Hongdae, Yugyeom huffing out loud to annoy his two best friends from not warning him of a planned out day where he could have left his skateboard at his house and not under his arm, moving around the crowd as to not bang it onto whoever had pushed into his space.

He had found it a bit suspicious that Jinyoung had informed them via text before meeting up with them to walk to the bus station together that his drama practice had been canceled, he asked Jinyoung about it but the older boy had shrugged and smiled innocently before Jackson interrupted and started too loudly talking about eating at a Korean barbeque restaurant. Yugyeom had found himself bunched between Jackson and Jinyoung, both who were happily talking about a movie, once in a while asking Yugyeom something.

Yugyeom had been too busy being grumpy at his friends to join into any conversation. Instead he chose to let his gaze follow those of the busy people walking in Hongdae streets, they passed a couple taking a picture behind an artsy café, two college students wearing SNU sweaters who were hiding behind an alleyway sharing a cigarette.

Yugyeom let his eyes wander until they came to a stop on a huge billboard. It had been dubbed by the locals in Hongdae as the eyes of Doctor J.T. Huang. His eyes were the color of lavender fields on a hot summer day, large and painted over a dark blue background. They looked out over the busy city of Hongdae with no face but instead from a pair of enormous yellow spectacles which passed over a non-existent nose.

It was obvious that Doctor J.T Huang had originally set the billboard there to promote his own business as a strategic way to win over new patients, but as Yugyeom stared at the billboard, allowing for Jackson and Jinyoung to lead him, he noticed the fading away of the colors. How the large lavender colored eyes shaped like an almond had dimmed and chipped away by too many paint-less days under the sun and rain, it was fascinating and a little irking how the eyes seem to brood on over the too fast city, as if it knew every secret the people beneath it were hiding.

“C’mon, the restaurant is over this way,” Jackson commented, tugging Yugyeom to follow him and away from Doctor J.T Huang’s eyes, who seem to gaze straight into Yugyeom.

He gave it one last look over his shoulder and followed Jackson and Jinyoung inside the dimly lit place that smelled like rice and fried vegetables. As he entered the chattering restaurant he wondered what happened to Doctor J.T Huang, if he had lured new people into his business or if he had sunk down into eternal blindness himself or forgot about the billboard and moved away.

+

After their afternoon at Hongdae wandering about and Yugyeom eventually talking with his two best friends, he found himself riding past his usual stop near his neighborhood.

Usually Jackson and Jinyoung came off after him to walk him to his house, but he stared in confusion as the bus kept on driving and neither Jackson nor Jinyoung flew up from their seats to yell out to the driver that they had missed their stop.

This should have, evidently, been enough for Yugyeom to demand some answers from his friends, but the day out in Hongdae with a full belly and his hands sticky from the chocolate ice cream he had eaten before made him too tired to question his friends. So he fell back onto his seat and kept his skateboard on his lap as he listened to Jackson and Jinyoung.

When he opened his eyes Jinyoung was shaking him awake, Jackson following up in front as he stepped off. Yugyeom blinked away the sleep and stumbled to a tall stand, trying not to knock over someone and wondering where he was.

As it turned out Yugyeom found himself in one of the upper wealthy neighborhoods, not too fancy that the families there sent their children to private schools but more luxurious than the neighborhood Yugyeom lived in. He turn to frown at Jackson and ask Jinyoung where they were when he heard the loud thump and humming of bass coming from one of the houses further up ahead.

The house rested towards an upper hill, the lights were on in every window that could be seen from the front view and Yugyeom could see in the evening night with the sun falling down the horizon and stars beginning to shine above all the cars that lined up the street.

His eyes squinted in the dark street lit only up from the lamp posts and made out groups of blurry bodies scattered over the front lawn. A car zoomed past them, slowing down as it came to a stop to park nearby the house.

“Jackson-ah!” Yugyeom growled out, his hands clenching into fists.

“Yugyeom-ah!” Jackson mocked back. Yugyeom felt like punching Jackson, but decided against it when Jinyoung began to push them towards the house.

“Hyung, not you too!” Yugyeom groaned and thought about how much trouble he’d get into if he were to smack Jackson up-side the head with his skateboard. “I can’t believe you got Jinyoung into doing some of your dirty work, Jackson.” His voice was laced with fury, glaring at Jackson but not lifting one of his clenched fists to punch Jackson. He thought it a victory.

Jinyoung was the one to speak up, “It was my idea, Yugyeom. Seokjin told me about a party he was throwing and I knew you wouldn’t be convinced to join us so I got Jackson to trick you.”

Yugyeom held back the urge to yell and put up a fight, they were getting closer to the house with its lush green lawns and rose bushes lining up the driveway. He didn’t want to garner unwanted attention from those already out in the front lawn.

“If you had asked me I would’ve said yes,” Yugyeom says.

But Jinyoung ignores him, “I think it’s healthy for teenagers to engage in rebellious streaks once in a while, and yeah I know all about how you sneak out your house at midnight but all you do is smoke, which doesn’t count.” Jinyoung says calmly when he notices Yugyeom open his mouth.

Yugyeom grumbles and this time does punch Jackson (hard) when the boy snickers besides him. “Besides, this one won’t get too wild. It’s Seokjin and he’s a bit scared that someone will call the cops.”

Jackson waves to some of the people outside, holding glass bottles of the stuff BamBam likes to drink –

_Yugyeom wonders if BamBam is here. He must be, BamBam never misses out on parties thrown._

– and sidles up against Yugyeom, his breath hot where his mouth lingers near his ear. “Don’t worry, we’ll stick by you.”

Which is a big fat lie twenty minutes later when Yugyeom finds himself trapped between the corridor that runs from one of the many large living rooms towards the kitchen.

There’s a plastic cup of coconut rum filled halfway up which tastes surprisingly good. He takes a sip of it, letting the sweet coconut rush down his throat along with the burn of the rum. Someone had handed a cup of the beverage earlier to him when he had followed Jackson and Jinyoung into the kitchen where Jackson had begun to pre-game before flowing out the door with some guys Yugyeom had never seen before.

Jinyoung had left soon after, Namjoon and him discussing a book they had read. Yugyeom had rolled his eyes, even at a high school party where he was pretty sure the smell of marijuana was lingering in the air and tequila bottles lining the counter and teenagers fucking upstairs was Jinyoung being a nerd.

He found himself drinking cup after cup of different alcoholic beverages that a dude named Soonyoung kept handing him. Soonyoung had been nice company, he was a senior over at Pledis High School and was talking enthusiastically about the new Avengers movie.

The alcohol plus the smell of weed coming from the blunt Soonyoung had was mixing up a lovely dizzying buzz in his head, making Yugyeom’s limbs feel loose and his mouth twitching.

It was weird, talking with someone he had never met before and who seem to bounce off the walls with energy that was bursting past his lips as he talked and talked. Yugyeom leant closer to Soonyoung, his shoulder brushing past the boy’s upper arm as he recounted a story of a time he stole some earbuds from a convenience store.

Yugeyom found it quite easy to slip into the conversation and talk about the time Jackson had crashed into a mailbox when he was learning how to drive and how he ran off back into the car and left the old grumpy owner of the house chasing after him with his cane and Yugyeom cracking up in the back seat.

Yugyeom wasn’t sure how many cups of alcohol he’d have or if the song currently playing was Drake’s _Marvin’s Room_ or if it was _Shot for Me_. Whatever it was, Yugyeom chased after the feeling of being loose and relaxed.

Soonyoung’s hands were waving around in the air, recalling another story as he blew clouds of smoke out through his nose. Yugyeom noticed how his eyes were glazed over, lips wet with spit and his blonde messy hair falling over his small eyes that squinted at him through his smile.

His cheeks felt red, body still buzzing with a pleasant hum as he found that yes, it was _Shot for Me_ by Drake playing and Soonyoung was leaning even closer than before, their bodies mushing up as people pushed past them.

But Soonyoung wasn’t leaning closer to Yugyeom to kiss him, because if that had been the case then Yugyeom wouldn’t be listening to Soonyoung rant to him about some guy named Seokmin – and is this the same Seokmin who he shares math with ? – who had completely blown him off.

Something he couldn’t quite put into words – shame and relief and something else he couldn’t put his finger on – shot through him when he felt that he wouldn’t have minded if Soonyoung had kissed him. But he didn’t mind either staying like this, pressed up against Soonyoung’s side and listening to him talk.

Soon enough someone came up to Soonyoung, tugging him away from Yugyeom’s comfortable bubble. Soonyoung had exclaimed something about seeing him later and then had gotten lost in the sea of grinding teenagers and half-naked boys playing some game involving tequila shots and spit.

Yugyeom wasn’t surprised to find himself alone once again, though that didn’t stop the frustration welling up inside him now that he’d been abandoned thrice. Which is how he had found himself in that corridor, drinking up the last of his coconut rum.

There were two girls pressed up against the wall making out and Yugyeom found himself flushing as he looked at them with unabashed attention. He made his way quickly out of the corridor and into the kitchen. A group of four boys were in the corner huddled around something, Yugyeom got flashes of tiny pills and turned away rapidly to busy himself with a cup and more of the coconut rum.

The bottle was halfway empty and he caught eye of a pack of Marlboro Menthol cigarettes so he snatched that too as he made his way out into the backyard away from _Slow Dancing in the Dark_ and tiny white pills and grinding bodies and girls kissing and boy’s talking with him only to leave him.

+

The Great Gatsby.

That’s what the book had been called. The one Jinyoung had told him about, _valley of ashes_.

Outside the moon was gleaming in the heist of sky, it’s pale light intertwining along with the barely their stars. A soft spring wind blew over the ground, Yugyeom’s dark curls dancing along with it. His cheeks still shone a red hue but it had diminished into a pale pink under the light of the moon. He sat on one of the rocky trails where pretty flowers were planted, the surface of the rock smooth and not too uncomfortable.

The cup of coconut rum was sat in between his legs on the green grass, he had a lit cigarette in his fingers, the wind catching the ashes and blowing them gently away making the process of smoking the cigarette go faster. Yugyeom watched hidden in the dark backyard the people outside.

A large group of teenagers were hanging near a pool table but none of them were playing pool, instead a neat pyramid had been placed in the middle, two rows of people trying to knock in the plastic balls into the cups and either groaning as they downed a cup of vodka or shouting in victory when they made it.

On the opposite side of the group was a huge grand pool, the kind that Yugyeom saw in magazine covers. Someone had been lifted by their feet and arms, swung over the edge as they were thrown into the pool fully-clothed and everyone watching laughing.

About halfway the other side of the pool was a bar with the words ‘ _DRY BAR_ ’ painted over head as a joke, some dude with a bright smile was handing out cups of alcohol.   

Yugyeom took in all of this. He thought back to Jinyoung and his obsession with American books, remembering how Jinyoung would read to Yugyeom in the empty hallways of the theatre auditorium _The Great Gatsby_. Valley of ashes was what the land between the motor road and railroad were adjacent to was called. Yugyeom follows the trail from the pool to the inside of the house, past the large glass doors and towards the huge wooden door that lead out into the front where he came from.

Yugyeom realized that right where he sat, on that smooth rocky trail next to the pretty flowers that kept giving out the sweet scent of their honey, he was in the valley of ashes. He was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life happening around and in front of him.

It was a fantastic large house – mansion, really – with beautiful French doors and floor to ceiling windows running from the kitchen to the living room that lead towards the sliding doors out into the backyard. The ashes took the form of furniture too shiny and new, elegant rugs being bunched up by dirty sneakers and falling cigarette butts, they took the form of stairs leading up to grand and luxury rooms where people fucked or others slept in their lumber of alcohol inducing minds.

Yugyeom could see the ghost of the ashes through the smoky fog that blurred the moving bodies of people dancing drunkenly, and finally through his transcending gaze Yugyeom could make out the bodies of Jackson and Jinyoung, swaying quietly and talking to one another in slow movements as if they weren’t in a party with too loud music and clumsy drunks. Yugyeom felt a twitch of a smile wanting to form over his lips as he watched his two best friends gaze at one another like two lovesick fools.

And past the gray world of ashes and blurry bodies and too loud music Yugyeom felt startled when a warm body plopped right beside him.

 _BamBam_.


	5. i can almost see you

The moon shines delicately over BamBam’s face. His hair looks like melted coal, a pure black that seem to blend with a cool grey from the shine of the moon. Yugyeom blinks at the boy for a few seconds too long, his heart beating wildly as he stared right into BamBam’s brown, soft eyes. He lost himself in their chocolate molten pools, seeing tiny reflections of himself, the pool, and the sky above. For a moment, just a spilt of a second, the world around them froze, and Yugyeom delve himself into warm brown eyes that held so many whispers of his name.

Then BamBam smirked and it was gone.

Yugyeom blushed furiously, the tips of his ears gone a deep ruby red color and he couldn’t help the brief glance he threw towards BamBam’s rosy pink lips. Instead of looking up to catch BamBam’s eyes he turned away back to the inside of the house where he could no longer see Jinyoung or Jackson. Yugyeom lifted the cigarette to his lips and blew out tiny rings of smoke.

“Didn’t think I’d ever see you here,” BamBam said, but there was something off about his voice. Yugyeom couldn’t place what it was, but it made him feel stuck, and he didn’t like that.

He knew BamBam would be at the party – it was the first thought in his head when Jackson and Jinyoung dragged him across the sidewalk, closer to the bass of the music and the swishing of alcohol. Still, Yugyeom hadn’t thought about BamBam approaching him or of bumping into him to have a conversation. Not here, at a party where students from their school were splattered like tiny dots of paint over their canvas.

He had the disturbing and upsetting feeling that BamBam had been avoiding him since that short and brief moment they had with one another in the copy room. Yugyeom wondered whether he should bring up the memory of seeing BamBam come back from the date he had gone on, and tell him about seeing him cry, reaching out for his window – as if searching for something.

“Jackson and Jinyoung tricked me,” Yugyeom said instead, smoke pouring out through his nose. He didn’t usually like blowing it out through his nose since it would always leave him awake in pain with a headache blooming over the front of his head. But he needed to feel something besides panic and what was probably anger swirling over his chest making the blood running through his body burn over his skin.

“They say I need to _socialize_ more,” Yugyeom whisked a hand towards the groups of people who had wandered out into the pool, “I think I’m doing a pretty good job, right?”

Yugyeom finally turned to look at BamBam, their eyes flickering over one another’s faces, memorizing the lines of the shadows that obscured their features. BamBam looked at him – really looked at him, he opened his mouth as if to say something but stopped himself and looked away.

“Yeah, you seem to be doing a pretty good job at it.”

There it was again.

That _something_ in BamBam’s voice, singing in what Yugyeom might have thought was jealousy if he were more sober at the moment. But he wasn’t in his clear mind, the stench of weed that had been swifting through the walls of the house had blurred some of the edges of Yugyeom’s sight, everything was a bit too soft. The coconut rum had also gotten to his head, flowing through his system so that every once in a while it looked like there were two BamBam’s, sometimes staring at him, other times looking straight ahead. Everything that was happening in this moment had a dim, hazy cast over it.

“Where are Jackson and Jinyoung hyung?” BamBam asked, not really looking at Yugyeom.

Yugyeom shrugged, feeling the burning warmth of the cigarette butt sparking at his thumb and forefinger. “Not sure. I saw them dancing when I came out here and then they were gone.”

_Like you – that night staring at my window, crying. Why were you crying? Why were you looking at my window? Were you looking for me?_

“They said they wouldn’t leave my side,” Yugyeom wasn’t really sure what he was saying at this point. The filter between his mind and mouth had vanished and the slurring thoughts passing through his mind had the risk of being spilled out between BamBam and Yugyeom. “Jackson hyung had said he’d be right there, right next to me.”

Pass every word Yugyeom said, BamBam was looking more and more concerned. After all, BamBam had never seen Yugyeom like this. Yugyeom was not much of a pothead, he never drank, and he never really talked about what was going on in his head. Yugyeom was the quiet kid who snuck out to smoke cigarettes and talk to trees and feed stray dogs. This was unfamiliar territory for BamBam, he was afraid of what Yugyeom would say in his current drunken state of mind.

“But then he left,” Yugyeom frowned. BamBam was looking at him with a weird frown on his pretty face. It made something inside Yugyeom twist. “Jinyoung left to talk with Namjoon.” He kept saying.

The cigarette butt had fallen long ago, hidden somewhere in the bright green grass that looked mysterious with only the light of the moon and the pool lights that had the backyard glowing. Yugyeom was circling the rim of the plastic cup, watching the clear liquid swash this way and that.

“Then they were dancing. Jackson and Jinyoung. Dancing.” Yugyeom threw out his free hand, his pointer finger pointing towards the crowd of students past the french doors.

When Yugyeom turned to look back at BamBam the other boy was looking at him as if he were a puzzle, some sort of riddle he had to answer to unlock whatever hid behind the secrecy. Yugyeom swallowed hard, feeling some of the anger that had temporarily gone away come back to him, little by little. He turned away fast, gulping down the rest of the coconut rum, drops of it spilling past his mouth and running down his jaw.

“You seemed fine earlier though,”

Yugyeom grabbed another cigarette from the packet, lighting it up. The night was far from cool, but there was a shiver crawling up his spine.

“When is earlier?” Yugyeom threw back. BamBam had finally turned away from Yugyeom, gazing instead at the group of teenagers who had been playing beer pong and had now drifted into what Yugyeom thought was a Russian roulette game.

BamBam shrugged, “Soonyoung is pretty cool, right?”

Soonyoung?

Oh, yeah. Soonyoung. The boy with sharp almond eyes, so tiny as they were squished when he was laughing along by Yugyeom’s side. Their bodies pressed close to one another. Yugyeom didn’t know why BamBam decided to bring him up – had BamBam seen them together?

“Yeah, he was fun to talk to.” _Before he left with his friend, and I was alone again._

BamBam hummed, “You two seem pretty close back there.”

Yugyeom was confused. Very confused. He was drunk, really fucking drunk, and his head was starting to hurt because he was chain-smoking and blowing out smoke through his nose. The world around him was blurry, dim, hazy, and people kept blending into the pale blue color of the pool and the yellow lights of the windows that flashed over their bodies. Everything was looking distorted through his view and BamBam’s voice kept sounding like there was an underlining cut of anger flowing through his words.

“I guess,” Yugyeom spoke out through another cloud of smoke. _Smoke, smoke, smoke, bambam, bambam, bambam._

“I mean,” Yugyeom went on when BamBam said nothing. “He was fun to talk with. He likes Spiderman and the ending of Endgame killed him. We were bonding over that.”

BamBam was still not looking at him, and it was actually starting to piss Yugyeom off. Because BamBam had been skipping art class, had been sneaking into dark copy room machines and texting angrily with his thumbs. Because BamBam had gone on a date with a girl and had told Yugyeom _I don’t really roll her way_ and it was making Yugyeom feel something horrible – it made him feel _hope_.

“He was going on about something, but I was kind of too drunk and he was smoking weed so I stopped paying attention. You know, he’s kind of distracting to look at.” _Not as distracting as you though._

BamBam’s body was tense, his jaw clenched in a way that Yugyeom could trace the vein that bulged out from his delicate neck. “I know, you guys were standing so close that anyone would have thought you two were a thing.”

Yugyeom blinked. “A – a thing?”

BamBam rolled his eyes in annoyance, turning to glare at Yugyeom lazily. There was nothing playful in his voice when he said, “Yes Yugyeom. A thing. Boyfriend. Dating. Being gay. I thought you two had run off to make out.”

Yugyeom licked his lips, his tongue feeling heavy. Yugyeom was kind of gay. Or maybe really gay. He’s not sure. He’s never really thought about it, he’s grown up with a bisexual brother, has met some of Jaebum’s boyfriends (some who were _really_ good looking).

Jackson has been pretty open about his sexuality from a very young age and Jinyoung was really gay for Jackson. Jungkook was also bisexual and had come out to Yugyeom their freshman year. So he’s been around plenty of not so straight people most of his life, and it lead to him never thinking much about his own sexuality.

(He’s always been in love with BamBam also. BamBam who makes Yugyeom feel so many things that it becomes overwhelming to even think about him. BamBam, the boy Yugyeom dreams about late at night – dreaming about being held in his arms until they crashed into one another’s souls and became one.)

What he’s trying to get at, is that no one has ever explicitly said, _you’re gay._ BamBam had said that people were thinking Soonyoung and him were a thing. He’d spilled it out causally, like as if it were a fact that Yugyeom was into boys. That made him feel a bit nervous. Had BamBam found out about his weird crush on him?

“Is that a problem?”

BamBam turned to look at him confused, “What? Yes. I mean – no!” BamBam huffed, shaking his head. He pulled his knees close to his chest and rested his forehead on them. He said something, muffled from where his head was buried so Yugyeom couldn’t make out what he’d said. But there was a hint of sadness curving over BamBam’s back, coursing through his neck where a pink was blossoming over his ears.

“We didn’t run off to kiss,” Yugyeom said, not liking how dejected BamBam looked.

There was silence between them. Yugyeom felt uncomfortable, he wanted to find Jackson and Jinyoung and run off, back home, back to his bed where he could hear Jaebum coming in at 2 in the morning. He felt like he was going to throw up any moment and his head was really starting to hurt.

“I know Yugyeom,” BamBam replied. “I went searching for you when I couldn’t find you or Soonyoung.” He said Soonyoung’s name with such disdain that Yugyeom wondered what problem they had between them. “And came out here, saw you brooding like you always are.”

Yugyeom scowled, his lips pursed in annoyance. “I don’t _brood_.”

“Yes you do,” BamBam snapped, his voice cutting Yugyeom, making his heart jump in fear. “It’s all you ever fucking do.” He laughed but it sounded mocking to Yugyeom’s ears.

“No – I,”

“Call it whatever you want Yugyeom. You’re always quiet, looking at everyone like no one deserves to talk to you. You walk around with your hunched shoulders and your stupid fucking skateboard. People want to talk _with_ you but it seems like you don’t want anyone to bother you. Instead you talk to fucking trees and stray dogs,” BamBam couldn’t stop, words kept billowing out from his mouth. “No one wants to get close to you because you push everyone away.”

Yugyeom felt something tearing in his chest ( _is this why you never talk with me. have i pushed you away bam? i’m sorry, i’m sorry, sorrysorrysorry._ ) He could feel the beginning of tears wanting to pour down his cheeks, his face flushed in embarrassment, and his heart feeling so heavy.

BamBam was staring at his hands now. Breathing out harshly through his nose. “Sorry,” his voice was shaking and Yugyeom looked away when he noticed the tight fists BamBam’s hands were in. “Sorry – I uh, I shouldn’t have said that. It –“

“I saw you crying.” Yugyeom blurted out.

BamBam froze. His back was standing up straight, his body tense like it was that afternoon afterschool when he’d said that Yugyeom reminded him of the moon. BamBam huffed out a low whisper, his entire being looking harsh underneath the pale light.

“When?”

Yugyeom bit his lip, “I saw you get out of your car.” He responded instead. “You were wobbling and at first I thought you were drunk, but you were crying.” He left out the part of seeing him reach out towards his window, but it seem like Yugyeom hadn’t had to say that out loud, something in the way he had spoken had let BamBam know that Yugyeom had watched BamBam staring at his window – like a fucking creep.

“Why were you crying?”

BamBam seem to snap out of his trance and he turn to glare at Yugyeom. “What’s it to you anyways?” He stood up suddenly, his eyes burning in anger and humiliation. Yugyeom was scared, he hadn’t wanted to make BamBam feel bad. He wanted to sprout out that he looked at BamBam’s window too! That he was always watching BamBam, through the sidelines like a phantom. If BamBam was looking – so was Yugyeom.

“Why are you so obsessed with me!”

Yugyeom stood up too. He was a head taller than BamBam, but the way the boy kept glaring, stabbing at Yugyeom through his eyes made him feel small, wanting to curl into himself. And that sentence, those words made Yugyeom freeze, everything was suffocating him.

“You’re always staring at me,” BamBam went on. His voice was growing louder, beginning to catch the attention of the teenagers gathered outside. “It’s like everywhere I look you’re always fucking there!”

Yugyeom curled his hands, words wanting to spill out.

“Why do you care so fucking much?” BamBam’s voice cracked, his eyes shiny, lips wobbling.

Yugyeom couldn’t breathe, the stares of people burning into his skin. “Because!” _Because I love you._

“Because what?”

“Because we’re friends!” Yugyeom yelled out. He was shaking, his entire body shivering. Yugyeom was heaving, trying to breath in gulps of air.

BamBam had sighed tiredly, his body deflating like a balloon with no air.

“I wish we were, Yugyeom.”

Then he walked away.

+

Yugyeom could feel the stares of people as he pushed himself into the lonely, shadowy corners of the grand house. A few people had turned back to their conversations, too high to really pay attention to what had just happened between him and BamBam, but there were others who glazed their sleazy, drunken eyes over Yugyeom’s shivering and humiliated form – whispering to each other with sneers splayed over their lips.

Yugyeom swallowed hard, feeling bile rising up his throat and making his neck feel warm and his body disgusted. He wanted to throw up, right over the darken bushes of flowers that decorated the corners of the house, spill the alcohol and food from earlier all over the beautiful colors of red and pink. Yugyeom closed his eyes and tried to breathe but every time he did so it hurt him. His lungs felt like they were on fire and he wanted to itch his hands inside and claw at them to stop making his heart feel tight and heavy.

He sobbed loudly, dry. Fingers reached into his front jean pockets and he blindly grabbed a loose cigarette from the pack, his hands shaky as he lit it. He needed to calm down, he needed to breathe because he felt like if he didn’t get back in touch with reality he would throw up and die right there at Seokjin’s beautiful house.

Yugyeom could hear the splashes of the pool, swishing loudly as teenagers threw themselves over the edge and laughed out loud. He grounded himself to the music that thumped out into the edge of the house, let whatever singer was singing wash over his vulnerable body. Someone was walking his way, where he was hidden beneath dark shadows and only the glow of the cigarette spotted him.

Yugyeom could only see the silhouette of a boy, messy brown hair twitching with the breeze. He was talking to himself, mumbling words that Yugyeom couldn’t comprehend with the current state of mind he was in. The boy stumbled, reminding Yugyeom of BamBam that night they caught each other in the street, the road separating –

“Shit!” He sputtered, almost tumbling to the ground. He caught himself in time and as he moved his head to squint up at the sky, Yugyeom watched the moonlight give way to Jungkook’s face. Yugyeom’s shoulders fell in relief, a familiar face, a friend of his was here to save him – kind of.

“Yugyeom?”

Yugyeom startled and dropped the cigarette, noticing the bottle of alcohol in Jungkook’s hand.

“Yugyeom!” Jungkook exclaimed excitedly. “Dude! I cannot believe you are here. Someone said you were here. I came – I came to look for you. Buddy!” He fell over his feet, arms reaching out and catching onto Yugyeom’s body.

Yugyeom giggled alongside Jungkook. He was still feeling dizzy and his head was really starting to hurt – more so since the argument he’d had with BamBam had made him feel sick to his stomach. Jungkook was a childhood friend and Yugyeom felt his body loosen up as he stood holding Jungkook and Jungkook held him. He didn’t want to think of BamBam – just the mention of his name crossing his mind had his blood boiling.

BamBam was a selfish asshole, how could he accuse Yugyeom of pushing him away – of pushing people away. Yugyeom wanted friends, he wanted people to sit down and listen to him complain about homework, he wanted to tell his screenwriting teacher all about his ideas and the notebooks of unfinished scripts that were hidden beneath his mattress. He wanted all of that, it was just that Yugyeom had never had a person whom he could have felt connected.

“Dude, you are really fucking tense.” Jungkook’s voice was muffled from where he had his mouth smooshed over Yugyeom’s shirt.

Yugyeom let out a huge sigh, “I know.”

Jungkook hummed back, swaying around with their arms wrapped around one another. Yugyeom tucked his head into the crook of Jungkook’s neck and closed his eyes, wanting to melt away and flee from the overwhelming thoughts he had of BamBam and BamBam’s voice and his hands and his eyes and his lips and –

“Hey man,” Jungkook’s voice was a low whisper, “you alright?”

Yugyeom huffed, his heart leaping as he thought of _what’s it to you!_ He shook his head and shut his eyes tightly, until all he could see was blackness and red spots.

“It’s nothing,” he said.

Jungkook said nothing and Yugyeom thought that the subject would have been dropped, but then Jungkook plopped himself down on the dew grass, pulling Yugyeom down alongside. Yugyeom let out a rush of air as he tried to balance himself and not fall into Jungkook’s lap. Jungkook was giggling uncontrollably and Yugyeom joined in as he scooted himself up against the wall and pressed himself closer to Jungkook’s warm, drunken body.

“Here,” Jungkook handed him the bottle of Vodka that he’d been holding, it was still surprisingly full and he took it gratefully since he had forgotten his plastic red cup of coconut rum somewhere behind him. “I think you need this – need, uh, more than I do.”

Yugyeom popped the cap off and threw it somewhere in the trail of white rocks, gulping some of the drink down. He felt his throat constrict around the strong, sour taste of it as he drank more of it hoping to soothe away the knot that had formed there.

“You know, Guk, you are a real friend.” Yuygeom passed the bottle to Jungkook as he used his empty hand to wipe off the excess of alcohol. “You care about me, man. You came looking for me.”

Jungkook nodded blindly, sipping from the bottle. “I saw BamBam storming inside, he looked mad. Heard some people say he had been talking to you.”

Suddenly Yugyeom felt that anger from before coming back at full force, swelling up inside him and sloshing alongside the alcohol in his stomach. “Fuck him!” he yelled out, reaching for the bottle. Jungkook exclaimed the same from next to him, his words slurring and indistinguishable – the only word Yugyeom could make out was _Bambam_.

“He’s not worth it! BamBam isn’t worth the trouble, man.” The bottle of vodka was now in constant demand between him and Jungkook, the two were lined up in the darken side of the house, the constant hum of teenagers and their fuckery completely oblivious to the two drunken boys.

“You’re right, Jungkookie, he –“ By this point Yugyeom had started crying, tears slowly and carefully falling down his face and beneath his shirt. “He broke my heart.”

Jungkook was shaking his head, tears welling up in his own eyes as he shared the pain Yugyeom was feeling. Yugyeom’s mind was foggy and with every gulp of vodka that he took the world around him was slowing down, his body was light – too light and he felt like he was floating. He felt like he was flying and defying the laws of gravity as he fell onto his side, laughing loudly and at nothing. Jungkook had somehow kneeled over the ground, eyes scrunched up as he laughed uncontrollably with Yugyeom.

The line of houses were dark and seem to be lonely and it was only Seokjin’s house that shone yellow lights from the windows. Yugyeom could see the shadows of the people as they moved their bodies around the room and waved down on the dark grassy ground. They too were contributing their human secrecy to the watcher of the night in the darkening streets.

Jungkook pulled himself upright, his laughter having stopped as abruptly as it had started. He was holding the now empty bottle of vodka with a frown etched over his face which was still slightly wet from the tears he’d had before. He pulled himself closer to Yugyeom, hands reaching out to pull him straight up and then pulling his face upright. Jungkook’s warm breath that smelled like vodka and something fruity poured over Yugyeom’s glowing face and he began to talk.

“Hey man, listen to me.” Jungkook’s face was a blurry mess and Yugyeom could only make out the shine in his glazed brown eyes. “I’m so, so sorry he doesn’t get you.” To be honest, Yugyeom wasn’t really listening to Jungkook, his ears sounded like he was underwater and Jungkook’s face kept waving around looking like a blur he couldn’t properly make out. He was squinting his eyes, narrowing his vision so he could focus on Jungkook’s face and listen to his voice.

“What – where’s the, where is the vodka? Man, did you finish it again?” Yugyeom shook his face away from where Jungkook had pulled him close. Everything was foggy and he didn’t like the way his heart was lurching from inside his chest when he felt Jungkook’s breath ghost over his lips. This was dangerous waters.

“What!”

“The vodka, man.”

“You finished – it was you!”

“No! I – I was not the – the one.”

“Dude,”

“What.”

Jungkook sloppily stood up, hands reaching out to the sturdy brick wall as he balanced himself. He kicked Yugyeom’s leg rather hard, “C’mon. More inside.” Yugyeom watched him through his foggy and dazed eyesight struggle to make his way to the door. He disappeared around the corner and by that time Yugyeom was standing up with shaky legs.

“Woah, fuck.” He wobbled his way carefully, the ground felt uneven and the only thing that was holding him up was his hold on the wall. Yugyeom could barely make out the way he was walking but he could see blurs of people dancing and swimming in the pool, swishing around in a drunken stance like he was. Through his wavering search he found Jungkook through the doors, looking happy and dancing as he grabbed another bottle of vodka.

Yugyeom was smiling as he made his was inside, past sweaty bodies and into the kitchen. This time there were no girls blindly making out, no boys with their little white pills or pretty people talking with him. It was just him, Jungkook, the bottle of vodka, and _Doing It Wrong_ playing through the speakers.

“Found some!” Jungkook waved the bottle around and grabbed Yugyeom’s hand, pulling him out the kitchen and over to the other side of the house where stairs leaded up the house. A few people shouted his name, or maybe Jungkook’s but whoever they were Yugyeom responded with a smile and shout.

He felt popular and light on his feet, holding Jungkook’s clammy and warm hand. He’d never held another’s boys’ hand like this, he wasn’t a touchy person by any means and it felt a little nice and a bit alien to him. Jungkook and him both sat down on the empty first step of the stairs. There were people behind them a few steps above, smoking a bong and passing along a mirror with white stuff that Yugyeom pretended not to notice.

People were disappearing in front of them and then reappearing later, they talked to Jungkook and smiled at Yugyeom as he took more sips from the bottle – by this point the vodka had acquired the taste of water and he no longer felt like throwing up. He didn’t know what time it was, but the party didn’t seem to be stopping any time soon.

“I think – I think we’re dr–”

“My mouth is tingly, Guk-ah. My whole body feels tingly. Why? Why is my tongue burning?”

Jungkook responded with something, but the entire world had slowed down to the root of Yugyeom’s current state of heartbrokenness and drunkenness. It seem like everyone knew it since the group of teenagers that obscured part of him parted like the red sea.

There was shouting and yelling, more _Drake_ songs playing loudly, he could smell the weed from the group behind him who smoked it and the vodka that he was downing rushed through his throat and down his lungs and falling pitifully over his empty stomach.

Because right there, upon the bluish tint of the room and the smoky, foggy living room, laughing like as if nothing had happened outside, and an arm around a pretty girl Yugyeom had never seen before was BamBam.

Yugyeom closed his eyes and binged the rest of the drink – trying to erase BamBam from his mind.

 _Fuck BamBam._ That stupid idiot who had taken ahold of Yugyeom’s fragile heart so many years ago underneath the large tree and beneath the warmth of his blanket. God, how he truly hated BamBam for making him feel this terrible feeling, these emotions he had no control over that ripped his insides apart with the cruel words BamBam had said earlier. Yugyeom wanted BamBam to feel the same sensation of pain that raveled through his chest and up his throat, reaching his eyes as he felt the sting from tears.

Jungkook was grunting about something, his voice the only thing that was descending Yugyeom to reality – this cruel reality where the boy he was in love with was cuddling into the girl. Yugyeom wondered if this was the infamous Minghao cousin, the girl Minghao had forced BamBam on going on a date with. Though, it didn’t really matter at the end, did it? Whoever this girl was, she looked all too familiar with BamBam’s body, snuggling further into his neck.

Yugyeom felt a sneer crawl over his lips, his eyes glaring at her through his lashes. He wanted to stumble over to BamBam’s little group, tell the girl that _BamBam didn’t roll that way_ , he wanted to shove Minghao against the wall and tell him that Bambam was faking being happy around their stupid clique, he wanted to get all up in BamBam’s face and voice out to everyone nearby that he’d caught BamBam crying and reaching out for his window at the early hours of morning.

And he would have done it if Jungkook hadn’t brought him back to reality, reminding him of the different worlds BamBam and him came from. Because while BamBam laughed and joked, taking light drags of the blunt he rolled between his fingers expertly – Yugyeom was drunk and cradling an equally drunk Jungkook with a half-empty bottle of vodka being passed between the two.

“Who is she?” Yugyeom’s words slurred, sounding as flushed and surreal as he felt.

Jungkook hummed confusedly, “Who?”

“Never mind.”

Yugyeom felt his head fall heavily against Jungkook’s broad shoulder, he could smell the spicy cologne and sweat that pooled over Jungkook’s neck. Jungkook looked down to meet his gaze, his brown eyes glinting with the blue lights that dimmed the room.

Their faces were close, so close. He could see the same cloud of haziness in Jungkook’s eyes, his cheeks flushed and lips wet and swollen from the burning of the alcohol they’d absorbed. If Yugyeom squinted his eyes just right, and angled his face a little to the left he kind of resembled a BamBam with dark, chocolate hair.

Yugyeom felt Jungkook’s gaze sitting heavily on him – and there was something else too, something that was burning and sweltering and was emerging from his side. Jungkook kept his stare on Yugyeom as he lifted the bottle of vodka and gulped it down. Yugyeom followed the bob of his throat, the dribbles of clear liquid that fell between his lips, the flush that flowed down Jungkook’s pale neck.

When Yugyeom looked away from Jungkook and turned to wander his scrutinized gaze back to BamBam he felt a lurch of surprise and shock when he found BamBam had been staring at him – at _them_. The scorching blaze that had given Yugyeom goosebumps earlier had come from BamBam who had seen the way Yugyeom and Jungkook had kept their stare on one another.

He felt a wave of guilt crashing over him, foaming over his skin and making him feel cold. But then his stare turned to the girl, who although was no longer curled over him, was still enveloped by BamBam’s arms, almost in his lap.

The guilt washed away with the hiccup that traveled up his throat. Nothing was wrong. It was okay that BamBam was holding this girl (No it wasn’t!) and it was fine that Yugyeom searched for Jungkook’s warm hand (He wished it was BamBam’s). It didn’t matter. BamBam had said they were not friends.

It was that painful thought, those harsh and brutal words from earlier that made him do it. Yugyeom was drunk, his heart still sewing itself back together with vodka and clammy hands. He turned to look back at Jungkook who had been aware of Yugyeom and BamBam staring at one another. Jungkook raised a questioning brow when Yugyeom’s hand turned his head, his eyes were swirling in confused drunkenness and from the pit of his stomach Yugyeom could feel regret swelling like weeds over a garden of roses.

“Yugs? What are you –”

Yugyeom pushed his lips against Jungkook’s.

For a moment they were stilled, frozen in place with music humming and eyes glaring at Yugyeom’s back. Then slowly, cautiously their eyes closed with slurs and their lips began to move. This was not the first time Yugyeom had kissed Jungkook – he was a teenage boy and Jungkook had practically begged him to practice kissing so he could impress the girls in school – but they hadn’t done this in years! They’d been thirteen turning fourteen, the summer before they’d be entering high school.

Those kisses really couldn’t count. And Yugyeom had never kissed anyone after that, he’d wanted to feel BamBam’s plush lips against his own, not Jungkook’s alcohol slicked ones. Yet, here he was. Jungkook was groaning, pushing his tongue past Yugyeom’s lips. Yugyeom felt a sigh leave his lips through the gap as Jungkook shoved his tongue inside Yugyeom’s mouth. His hands, involuntarily, searched through Jungkook’s messy kinks, tangling his fingers through soft darken locks.

“Wait,” Jungkook pushes him away and a lock of spit follows their lips. “Wait, Yugyeom. We cannot. Cannot. _Can’t_. Drunk, so dizzy.”

“Shhhh,”

Yugyeom pressed himself closer into Jungkook’s space. The wet sounds of their lips moving was only for their ears to hear, the music drowning it away. _Stop!Stop!Stopstopstopstop!_ His body felt heavy and he wanted to pull away every time he heard Jungkook’s drunken grunts and the sound of Yugyeom sucking his tongue with fervor. But instead he pulled his face closer, feeling the warmth of glowing cheeks and inebriated gasps.

“Guk-ah, I –“

“I know,” Jungkook groans out, “I know, Yugs.”

Yugyeom pulled away for air, his lungs screaming to breathe. Jungkook’s wet lips trailed past his jaw, circling over his earlobe and inching further down to his throat. Yugyeom inhaled sharply at the teasing tongue and the pricking of teeth biting. He closed his eyes, scrunching Jungkook’s hair in a fist.

“Wanted to kiss you so badly,” Yugyeom says with a quivering voice, tears softly descending down his eyes. Telling Jungkook the words he badly wanted to spill out to BamBam. Jungkook nods, lips sucking harder over the soft, sensitive skin of his neck.

When he looked over his shoulder BamBam was long gone.

+

Yugyeom wasn’t sure when Jungkook and him crawled up the stairs, their steps stumbling and shifting awkwardly. “Yugyeom,” Jungkook whispered throatily, gazing at him through dazed lustful eyes. “Jungkook,” Yugyeom repeated.

A door is opened and they shuffle inside, hands touching burning skin and lips sloshing. The room is dark with only the glimmer of the moonlight shedding its silky light inside. There’s a large bed in the middle and Jungkook inches him towards it, his knee grazing over his crotch. “In love with you,” Yugyeom mumbles drunkenly.

Jungkook nods, “Me too,”

Words are spilled between the two, words that are related to people they cannot have. So they indulge in this drunken farce, this love of friendship and comfort between the whispers of broken hearts and boys who don’t return their love.

They fall onto the bed and Jungkook falls asleep. Yugyeom snorts. There’s a half-filled bottle of Jameson on the counter of the bed side table. He reaches for it and swallows down its contents, wondering where BamBam had wandered off to.


	6. sing me to sleep

When Yugyeom opened his eyes, he saw total darkness. A blanket of black space enveloping his eyesight. There is nothing to be seen, only infinite darkness. For a moment Yugyeom thinks he’s landed in space, floating in the abyss of universal space with a void of darkness that encircles his floating being.

Then he thinks he must’ve died, a lot of people recount seeing darkness in an empty cave and then a light shining upon them. But there is no light. So, he’s not dead. Which leaves him with one option only – he’s dreaming. Perhaps his subconscious has pulled in Yugyeom through lulling voices and memories and he’s about to gravitate into a dream but was accidentally awoken through the process and this has become a matrix of sort, only it’s for dreaming.

But then there is a silver of light. And yea, Yugyeom is dead.

Yugyeom blinks, his eyes adjusting to the darkness of it, jeez it’s just pure black atmosphere here! Maybe he’s entered a black hole, pulling him in and surrounding the mass of his body like in the movie _Interstellar_.

Yugyeom’s hand nudges into a hard surface, he blinks again and the silver light turns out to be the moonlight that carefully and dimly pours in through the barely open thick curtains over the window. The hard surface turns out to be a completely dead asleep Jungkook, the boy has his mouth slightly open, breathing loudly and his face is flushed with a pink that dusts over his pallor.

Yugyeom squints through the darkness, wondering how he got here. Ah, it’s too much trouble, he had too much to drink and now he just wants to go home. He hears music still thumping and vibrating the wooden floors, this means that the party is still going on so it can’t have been much that Yugyeom slept.

He gathers his body up, standing on his legs which feel so heavy and jelly-like. He breathes out, can taste the stale of alcohol imprinted in his tongue. There’s a bottle of _Jameson_ lied carelessly over the thick, soft carpet beneath his feet – Yugyeom doesn’t remember finishing it but he doesn’t really remember much at this point.

He’s still drunk. Really fucking drunk. He can feel it seep through his bones, his head feels like it’s made out of lead and his eyes are swollen like his cheeks. Christ, why did he drink so much? What did Jungkook even give him. Through the numb, fogginess of his brain, Yugyeom scatters into the bathroom adjacent to the room. His hands blindly search for light and he immediately regrets it when the harsh light blares into his soul.

“Shit,” Yugyeom stumbles over to the toilet to take a piss. It takes him forever to open his jeans and push them off, pulling his boxers down and finally releasing. Standing over the porcelain toilet, with marble engraved through its fanciness, Yugyeom pries into the corners of his mind which have reset into a black screen with no memory of the past few hours.

There is a tightness that painfully grips his chest, making it a little difficult to breathe. He feels a panic of cold-sweat terror overwhelm him and almost robotically Yugyeom is zipping up, flushing, and rapidly washing his hands and face. Bits of vague memories swiftly cross his mind, blurry images of a stuffy living room and spicy cologne. He recalls BamBam for a moment – just a subtle moment – but immediately recoils when the panic and tightness delivers into pure rage and jealousy.

Yugyeom looks at himself through the mirror, his pathetic reflection gazing back at him. His eyes are a pink-red, the dark brown of his eyes popping out and looking almost pure black with his dilated pupils. There is a red burning blush staining his pale cheeks that sweep up towards his forehead and down his nose. Yugyeom’s hair is a twisted mess, tangled in curls and knots that lay delicately over his eyes and curling over his ears to tug his piercings.

He gulps as his eyes travel further down his body, the fear in his chest growing like weeds in a garden, polluting his lungs with nasty sticks and stones. An echo of what had happened back at the stairs, lips and a hot tongue, hands wandering and tugging hair – fuck, please no, please let this not be true.

Yugyeom has the palest of skin, porcelain and delicate. Jaebum use to tease him so much for it, call him a china doll, the precious jewel of the family with his mocking tone delivering whatever dumb speech he was going on about that day. Jackson liked to poke fun at his skin tone as well, remarking how Yugyeom would never last outside on summer afternoons, his skin burning a lobster red. It would make Yugyeom pout and deny it all, but they were right. Yugyeom’s skin was gentle and elusive, a finger pressed a little too hard and a bruise would form and blushes rising high over his cheekbones.

And right there, in the softness of his pale skin blotches of red hues decorated his neck. Hickies, blooming everywhere.

Without thought Yugyeom rushed to the toilet, away from his reflection and squeezing his eyes tight, throwing up the food from that late afternoon and all the alcohol blistering in his blood. It felt like he’d been gagging for hours, the nasty stench of vomit catching in his nostrils and spilling down past his chin. It was disgusting and Yugyeom could feel tears pouring from his shut eyes, his mind slowly remembering everything that had happened before waking up next to an asleep Jungkook.

God, he was so disgusted with himself. How much of a pitiful sight did he look in that moment? Throwing up in a fancy and expensive toilet, his fingers digging into the white mat that was laid across the shiny tiles. His lower half of his face stained in his own throw up and ugly red blotches of hickies splayed all across his neck for the world to see. Fucking hell, why’d he kiss Jungkook.

He's in a trance as he cleans himself up, grabbing the mouth-washer beneath the sink and rinsing his mouth. Yugyeom brushes the strands that stick to use forehead away and quietly makes his way out of the room. The floor squeaks beneath him and though there is loud music vibrating off the walls, the sound is so deafening to Yugyeom’s ears, making him hold in his breath as he passes by Jungkook.

His brain is still muffled and his eyes are too swollen to properly make out the view of where he is. But he can make out the silhouette of Jungkook’s form resting peacefully. He gulps, feels the tightness become painful and torturous. Yugyeom looks away and walks out of the room, his heart heavy with regret and his soul bleeding profoundly.

+

There was music from Seokjin’s house through the windy spring night. In those blue gardens that Yugyeom had hidden away in, teenagers came and went like moths among the whisperings and the vodka and the stars.

Outside the cool refreshing air of the outside sobered Yugyeom up. His head was heavy though, weighing it down to grudge onto his shoulders. His brain was attempting to comprehend and visualize the pictures that Yugyeom’s subconscious refused to produce. It was like a puzzle, bits and pieces of the same color but shaped differently in a messy array.

Yugyeom’s steps were stumbled and unbalance, his legs felt heavy and the sidewalk beneath the soles of his shoes felt like waves on a windy summer beach. The air is alive with chatter and laughter as Yugyeom makes his way across the street – leaving the enormous and elegant house of Seokjin’s family. Although his steps were teetering quite well into almost falling down and cracking his head open, Yugyeom bristled in his walk as his long legs carried him closer to the edge of the street.

Houses with rows of lovely flowers decorating the front yard became dizzying for Yugyeom and he felt like he was stuck in a loop with the same houses forming in front of him. This far away from Seokjin’s house, Yugyeom could no longer hear the music thumping nor the sea-change of faces and voices and color that was constantly changing light. He patted his jeans in search for his phone, catching onto the lump of a shadow where his phone was in his left pocket.

 _3:21 A.M_ it read. His phone battery was at 20% which left him with only a few messages to send and a call to make sure Jaebum wasn’t worried. But then Yugyeom stopped his typing away a message to Jinyoung when he realized, right there at 3 a.m on a Saturday morning – that no one had messaged him.

There was not a single text from Jinyoung nor Jackson, no calls from Jaebum flashing over his phone. Yugyeom blinks at his phone for a few seconds, staring at the messages of his friends, the way the clock numbers change every minute, how his battery is now at 17% and the brightness is lowered to save his battery charge. Yugyeom turns off his phone and pockets it back into his jeans.

He’s already standing at the bus stop when he realizes he left his skateboard behind.

+

The bus drops him off a few blocks away from his house. Yugyeom bids the bus driver a farewell and carefully begins walking towards his street. The ride to his house has definitely sobered him up almost completely, though there are certain memories being entertained within his mind that Yugyeom cannot distinguish between mere dreams or an actual memory. He hopes it’s a memory, his insides squirm at the possibility and uncomfortableness of Jungkook’s hands and knees pressing into places that Yugyeom has never shown to the wandering eye.

Yugyeom wraps his arms around himself, the panic has taken over his body. He thinks about BamBam and the _people want to talk ‘with’ you_. Wonders who people is, if they’re BamBam. He recalls Jungkook finding him and leaning close into his personal space (he remembers feeling afraid, angry, and desperate).

He remembers catching BamBam’s eye for a split of a second with Jungkook pressed close to him and the clawing emotion of rage and envy splattering over his heart like ink on paper. And he remembers lips, soft wet lips that traced his own and hands pushing him on top of a bed and knees pressing against his dick and fingers wandering to the seam of his jeans to wrap themselves –

Yugyeom stumbles to the ground. He falls face down onto wet, dewy grass. “Ow, shit.” He tries to pick himself up, put his body feels so heavy and his mind is full, hazy in its own memories. Besides, the sky looks pretty from here. He hasn’t seen the stars out in such a long time, can’t even really know for sure if they’re actual stars or just blurry dots painted by his tears. There are no cars passing by the street and Yugyeom allows himself, just for a few seconds to close his eyes and stop the voices of an angry BamBam and a drunk Jungkook.

+

Ah. Fuck.

Why is he so thirsty? He needs to pee, like right now. Why is his bed all hard and wet? Oh jeez no, Nora didn’t pee on his bed again did she? C’mon, he just did laundry a week ago! This is why Yugyeom doesn’t like her sweeping around in his room, if only Jaebum –

The world comes back to Yugyeom. With a start, Yugyeom stands up straight, his back is curved uncomfortable and his neck is aching. Last night and the early morning is rushing to his forefront and the regret of everything he did is back in full force. Yugyeom groans, his breath stinks and he feels gross and sweaty everywhere. Yugyeom looks around his surroundings, the house at the entrance of his street is in front of him and he finds himself lying on the front yard of the large apartment complex.

It is still early morning and Yugyeom catches the curious eyes of a few people who are out for their morning run. Yugyeom gulps and nods a hello but avoids directly looking at them, he doesn’t want any attention – too ashamed and embarrassed. He gathers himself up as quickly as he can, but finds himself swaying in dizziness and tries to breathe in and out through his nose – his breath really does stink.

Yugyeom crinkles his nose, the air is a little humid which makes his already sweaty shirt and jeans stick onto his skin in that uncomfortable way it does after being outside too long. He’s also really thirsty and in need of using the bathroom. There are thoughts and words that want to squeeze their way to his forefront, but Yugyeom blocks them out. He wants to get home, shower and take a fat nap – forget about the entire night and not wake up until school starts.

Yugyeom feels the ache of sleeping drunk and waking up from the ground pulling his entire body downwards, he makes sure to avoid turning to stare at BamBam’s house. He wonders if the boy ever made it back or if he’d gone off to sleep with the girl, maybe he slept over Minghao’s house. The thought of BamBam makes bile rise up his throat so he’s quick to cut off anymore thoughts of the Thai boy.

Getting inside his home is relatively quick, but in Yugyeom’s own perspective the world is going way too slow. He’s never gotten blackout drunk in his life, last night (or this morning) was his first time and he has to say that right now, as he’s sober and ignoring all the red flags his brain is frying up, he feels just like when he’d drank – like he’s weightless and floating and everything is blurry.

It feels like forever before his keys finally unlock the door. It’s an early Saturday morning but Yugyeom cannot hear a single sound of life revolving around the room, not even Nora is rushing to the door. He sighs loudly, kicking his shoes off and making his way into the kitchen for a glass of cool water. His head doesn’t hurt too much like earlier, but his stomach is cramping up in painful twists. Yugyeom gulps down the water and grabs a protein bar from the counter and a banana, he has no idea what you’re supposed to eat after a hangover but he feels like he’s going to throw up again if he eats cereal or the rice leftover.

The walk to his room up the stairs is daunting. Yugyeom stares at the second floor entrance from where he’s standing still at the bottom step. The pain in his stomach is growing and any minute now Yugyeom swears he’s going to kneel and curl himself into a ball and hope to sleep this away.

With a pained groan Yugyeom walks upstairs, his legs heavy and arms shaking as he clutches onto the railing. There are bright and happy pictures hanging on the white wall, Yugyeom glares at their mocking perfection.

The door to Jaebum’s room is slightly open and Yugyeom only takes a quick peek, finding it lonely and empty – his bed is just as neat as it was Thursday night. (Yugyeom starts crying, like really crying, soundless sobs leaving his lips, but he’s going to pretend he’s fine and not tearing out his heart because life is just –) Nora peeks her head out, meows at Yugyeom in greeting before flashing down the stairs to who knows where.

Yugyeom blinks after her before making his way to the bathroom. He doesn’t turn on the yellow light in the bathroom instead using the tiny bit of six am morning light that filters in through the small window. He strips from his clothes and turns on the water to hot – almost enough to burn his skin. The water pools past his hair and over his collarbones, washing away the sweat and grime. Yugyeom sighs in relief, though his brows stitch themselves in pain as his stomach turns this way and that.

He welcomes the hot water that simmers his skin into a light pink flush. His hair falls and covers most of his eyes and neck. The smell of pines and wood seeps into the air along with the fogginess of the bathroom and his shampoo molds his hair into a messy mohawk. If it was up to Yugyeom he’d stay underneath the shower and bathe himself in the warmth of it, but Jaebum will probably skin him alive for wasting all the hot water and bring that water bill up drastically.

So he regrettably turns it off, shivering when the cool air hits his skin. He’s quick in brushing his teeth and applying some of that fancy moisturizer Jaebum has but rarely uses. The house is set in a cool temperature which makes his feverish skin feel less like he’s crawling in sand, his stomach makes a weird noise and Yugyeom treks out the bathroom. There’s no need to cover himself so he dries his body as he walks into his room, changing into some oversized joggers and a soft hoodie that was once Jaebum’s.

A noise catches Yugyeom’s attention from outside, he makes his way to the window and squints when the morning sun burns brightly into his sensitive eyes. A dull ache begins to form behind his head, but he finds himself unable to tear his eyes away. BamBam is stepping out of a car, unfamiliar to Yugyeom.

His voice, words, hands, eyes, lips, moonlight, coconut rum, splashing water, arguments, girls hanging off a shoulder, full lips kissing his – Yugyeom clenches his jaw and stares with lifeless eyes as BamBam waves the person away. The car drives off, BamBam stumbling to his front door.

Before entering the darkness of his home, he turns to look at Yugyeom’s window. And for a millisecond of a second, Yugyeom and BamBam make eye contact unbeknownst to them. This time it’s Yugyeom who turns his back, crying and reaching out through his mind for that eight year old who he shared chocolate with beneath the safety of his blanket.

 

* * *

 

He drifts in and out of sleep. At one point he hears the door downstairs open, the sound of keys being thrown and soft murmuring. Yugyeom smiles before going back to sleep. He awakens again, this time to an arm curled around his waist, low music playing in the background, he floats back into peaceful dreams.

When he finally opens his eyes, feeling a bit less like shit and more human, the sky outside is blistered in foggy grey clouds against the navy sky. The sound of rain pittering and pattering lulls Yugyeom’s mind into a calm cloud of senseless thoughts. The clock he was gifted shimmers its reflection and ticks that it is currently 3:12 a.m. Yugyeom stretches his stiff body, rolling out of the duvet that Jaebum must’ve curled him in.

Speaking of Jaebum, the older boy is nowhere to be found. It makes Yugyeom feel a little sad, but relief wins out – he doesn’t like the idea of Jaebum and him talking, is scared he’ll end up saying something he’ll regret.

Music is still playing in his room, the vinyl record turning gently and soothingly. The tender play of the violin and piano keys lofting around his room, the song _the fragile tide_ pours over Yugyeom’s tired soul. His stomach growls and he’s glad that the nausea from earlier has long gone.

Grabbing the jeans from last night, Yugyeom plucks his phone out and puts it to charge. Downstairs he catches sight of Nora’s form curled into the small couch in the living room, her glowing green eyes twinkle as she follows Yugyeom’s stance into the kitchen. He’s surprised though when he finds a bag of takeout on the counter, a yellow post-it note with the words, _eat up, maybe we can go to the movies Friday -_ _J_.

Yugyeom doesn’t fight off the smile nor the hope that dawns over him. He knows Jaebum will probably end up ditching him, work or school coming up like it always does, but he sincerely hopes that they’ll catch up and perhaps watch _Moonlight_ that’s playing in the theatre that’s hidden away in a lonely corner a few stops away from Hongdae. The sentiment is sweet nonetheless and Yugyeom folds the paper before pocketing into his hoodie.

He heats up the food, his stomach growling louder as the minutes pass by. Yugyeom picks out the French-Swedish short film his teacher lend him and plops it into the dvd player. Call him old fashion but Yugyeom prefers watching his movies through a physical copy. He sinks comfortably onto the couch, Nora blinks at him before scooting closer to him and warming his left side.

Time seems to go slow in these moments, the movie is playing quietly with the volume setting low enough that Yugyeom can still hear the tiny fractions of music playing from his room. He can hear the rain shutter down faster, before quieting down and only its slow drops raining down.

The movie captures Yugyeom attention, he follows the main lead as she rides her bicycle through the small town of a French village near the Swedish border and bouts around his little bakery. He feels his heart sink alongside her when she chases after the train, looking for the only person who understood her and finding that he has his own partner and fleeing away.

He’s sad when the film is over, the credits rolling and the music mixing alongside _and the rain plattered_. Nora jumps into his lap, rubbing her head where Yugyeom’s hoodie has risen up to show his pale tummy. It’s a little past five in the morning and Yugyeom can feel sleep tugging around the edges of his conscious mind. He finds himself not running away from the tiny cracks in his dream that find a middle school BamBam running around the soccer field and a 12 year old Yugyeom chasing after him with his eyes.


End file.
